Ever since I can remember, I’ve been a workaholic. Romantically, I’ve always been almost exclusively attracted to artists. It should be no surprise to anyone that I’ve ended up the breadwinner in my relationship.

That hasn’t always been the case — but right now my husband, Jacob, is freelance, while my salaried job as the head of content at a startup has become our main source of income and health insurance. When we got married in 2017, the situation was reversed. I was working from home as a communications director for a remote agency while Jacob’s career as a creative director was taking off, and he was significantly outearning me for the first time in our six years together. But the balance of financial power is a pendulum, and five months later it swung back in my direction. Jacob decided to leave his agency job rather suddenly due to a toxic work environment –– his female boss was abruptly let go for no reason. How could I not totally support this decision? He was miserable, I was making plenty of money to pay our (thankfully reasonable) rent, and he had been turning down freelance work left and right in his full-time position. We both thought it would be an easy transition.

What I didn’t expect was that he wouldn’t really find work for a while, and resentment grew on both ends. I was frustrated the house was a mess when I came home from work. He was upset that I wasn’t able to see how hard he was trying to find jobs. I was angry that I was still doing most of the grocery shopping, and that I couldn’t splurge on shoes even though I worked so hard. He was feeling unappreciated. I was jealous of the time he had that I didn’t, because I was busting my ass at the office all day, while also picking up freelance gigs on nights and weekends. I was scared that on bad days at work I was trapped in my job because one of us needed a stable income and health insurance, and that responsibility fell squarely on me. Though my feelings were valid, they weren’t always necessarily fair. After all, we made the decision together.

I was frustrated the house was a mess when I came home from work. He was upset that I wasn’t able to see how hard he was trying to find jobs.

This is all to say, assuming the role of primary earner during the first year of our marriage has been an interesting exercise in communication, familial roles, and much to my chagrin...math.

Of course, I’m not the first female breadwinner to struggle navigating the topsy-turvy reality of playing provider: a 2014 Pew Research study found that women were the sole or primary financial provider in four-in-ten households with children younger than 18. Yet media coverage would lead you to believe that these kinds of relationships are doomed. Everyone is quick to cite the 2013 study that found in relationships where the woman outearns the man, the couple has less sex. Late last year, Tucker Carlson drew Twitter ere when he claimed that “there is more drug and alcohol abuse in areas where women outearn men.” And in 2017, Ashley C. Ford wrote an article for Refinery29, where she surveyed more than a 100 millennial women about their breadwinner status, many of whom expressed their unhappiness of being put into role they found to be stressful and burdensome.

I’ve got to believe that breadwinner status is hard for everyone, regardless of gender. But I’ve learned is that it’s especially fraught for straight women. Even as more of us step up to support our families financially, it’s not really a popular topic of conversation. Jacob and I are incredibly communicative about everything, and yet, when it came to this new dynamic, it often felt like we weren’t speaking the same language.

Feeling frustrated and alone in my new role as breadwinner, I wanted to know more. Which is why I interviewed more than 20 female breadwinners, both straight and queer, of various ages and place in their lives, to figure out how exactly they manage the challenges. I wanted to know how they cope, if they embrace the mantle, and how we can move toward a new reality where everyone — male or female — can feel good about the roles they assume in their marriage. From business owners, account directors, and social media coordinators to university lecturers and freelance writers, the women I spoke with spanned a diverse range of industries, with one thing in common: their breadwinner status had dramatically affected their relationships in ways they had never imagined, both good and bad, yet most wouldn’t have it any other way.

While all of them share a variety of frustrations and silver linings, one thing that is clear is that the old adage is true: money is power. And when a woman assumes the traditional male role as provider, it can be confusing — it’s hard to shake society’s gender norms. We tend to put these relationships under the microscope and scrutinize every single dynamic. It’s almost as if we overhype the worst stereotypes about men (see every sitcom ever featuring lovable goofs incapable of loading a washing machine) and women (see those same sitcoms featuring overbearing nags).

Eleanor*, a 39-year-old business owner, blames her husband’s “shitty attitude about household chores” on his upbringing, and she doesn’t connect their conflicts over household responsibilities to her position as primary earner. In fact, I was a little surprised to find that only a third of the women I interviewed indicated that fights over domestic responsibilities increased alongside their salaries. After all, women typically take on more domestic responsibilities regardless of how much they’re contributing financially because of societal norms and expectations. In fact, the more a woman outearns her husband, the less housework he performs: It’s been noted that many female breadwinners pick up the majority of domestic responsibilities in addition to their professional workload to assuage their husbands’ feelings of emasculation.

“Women know the rules,” says Farnoosh Torabi, personal finance expert and author of She Makes More. “The home is our domain if we’re not working, and we’re going to do a good job. For men, it’s not the instinct.”

It makes sense when you consider that the stereotype of women keeping homes is reinforced in movies, on TV, in every single laundry detergent commercial, and likely even watching our own parents interact. When men are put it in the same position, they have no blueprint to instinctually follow. Just watch Michael Keaton struggle to “become the lady of the house” in the 1983 classic Mr. Mom. That movie is more than 35 years old, and yet there’s been no iconic update to that pop culture trope. Women’s media regularly repeats the line that girls cannot become what they cannot see. But that’s also true for boys.

For the female breadwinners who weren’t getting into fights over dirty dishes, their relationships were built on the understanding that their partners would actively take on non-traditional responsibilities — whether that's childcare, cleaning, or emotional support — and would be valued for that contribution.

For the female breadwinners who weren’t getting into fights over dirty dishes, their relationships were built on the understanding that their partners would actively take on non-traditional responsibilities.

Sara, 37, a legal assistant, was laid off at the same time as her husband, but she was able to secure a new job first. After she gave birth to their first child, they decided it made sense for her husband to say at home. “The biggest thing has been to trust him to take on the primary caregiver role. I don’t pull second shift at home or expect to run everything while my husband just helps. I’m also not picky about how he does things, dad wise. I concentrate on my part, let him do his part, and enjoy hanging out with my baby.”

But Sara might be an outlier. Even if breadwinner status makes women feel entitled to demand more from the partners domestically, typically it doesn’t always shake out so evenly, especially if there are children involved. While a majority of parents from dual, full-time working households say certain responsibilities are shared equally, about half say the mother does more when it comes to managing children’s schedules and activities. (On the other hand, one of the secrets of becoming a female CEO is having a husband who’s willing to be the primary caregiver.)

Some of the women I spoke to think these feelings of parity can be achieved by alternating breadwinner status throughout the duration of the relationship. When you’re in it for the long haul, unless you’ve decided on permanent roles from the get go, it makes sense that the primary earner would fluctuate over the years as life happens.

“The balance of who makes more has gone back and forth several times in our 20-plus-year relationship. At this point it’s a non-issue for us” says Jamie Beth, a 42-year-old writer and administrative assistant.

“We sort of switch off who has the ‘good job’ (the one that makes the money) and which of us gets to do the creative bit for awhile,” says Julie, 41, a talent agent, describing the give and take in her marriage. “Right now I have a start-up business and so for the past year he's had the good job, but for the previous six years, it was me.”

But there were other women who embraced their ambition and couldn’t imagine another way of life. Jane*, a creative director I interviewed, found the only way she could make her relationship work was by shucking norms. “When we tried to have a ‘normal’ relationship, we failed miserably. But, as soon as we started getting weird and doing what we wanted instead of what we were supposed to do, things got better and better.”

It was stories like Jane’s that I found to be the most helpful. Being the breadwinner is hard, but so many of these women have found ways to make it work and as a result, their relationships have thrived.

“In a way, it puts a microscope over problems that you may not have noticed before,” says Jennifer, 32, a merchandiser. “It's actually a great thing to be able to see these problems clearly and have an opportunity to pull yourselves out of them. And if you do, you'll be stronger than ever.”

As Martha, 33, a biopharma marketer, observes, it can be a gift if you have a partner who isn’t threatened by the dynamic, and you have a clear plan for each person to feel valued and productive. She’s found that she’s more confident, and she likes being able to spend money without needing permission.

It seems as though the real secret to success as a female breadwinner is not letting anyone in the relationship feel taken for granted. Which, let’s be honest, should be the case in every relationship regardless of who earns more. Every contribution is valuable, and no one wants to feel their efforts, whether they be domestic or financial, count any more or less. Plus, there’s something truly magical about finding that someone who supports your ambitions.

“I'm in my professional prime, doing and achieving the things I actually dreamed I would as a child,” Jane, the creative director, shares. “And, it's made possible by my partner who is literally always there for me, quietly replacing the collection of empty cans on my desk with a fresh La Croix when I'm stuck on long calls and reminding me to be a person.”

Still, that primary earner status is scary, and it comes with a lot of pressure. I’ve had moments of feeling trapped, resentful, and burdened with a responsibility I took on without really understanding how it would make me feel. But it’s also made me made me stronger, more resourceful, and more vocal in all parts of my life. I’m proud that I had the power to provide needed financial support when my family needed it.

Even though I’m a self-diagnosed workaholic, this might not always be my reality. But, one day when it’s not, I’m going to be glad knowing that it’s something I’m more than capable of doing, and that my relationship can withstand shifts in balance and power with a few (or a lot) of hard conversations. I’ll also, most likely, be bummed I can’t use my breadwinner status to leverage getting out of making the bed quite so much.

* Names have been changed.

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For a band that had its heyday nearly 50 years ago, Queen's ethos is astonishingly in step with the times. The band's affirming, identity-driven lyrics ("You're yet to have your finest hour"), gender-bending fashion, and high-production stadium performances fit squarely into 2019 — and, in many ways, almost more so. One prime example: The band's subversive 1984 music video "I Want To Break Free," which was banned by MTV in the U.S., has more than 258 million views on YouTube today.

It's no wonder that Hollywood's most recent telling of the Queen saga, Bohemian Rhapsody, has struck a chord with fans new and old alike. And now the evidence is clear, with the search for Queen tribute tattoos surging 1400% on Pinterest since the film's release. Whether those who got inked connect to the band through family ties, powerful lyrics, Freddie Mercury's inspiring story, or the film itself, there's no end to the Queen-inspired tattoos popping up across the world. See our fan favorites, ahead.

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If you ask her, Emma Holly Jones was practically born to make Mr. Malcolm's List. "I grew up in love with Jane Austen," the 30-year-old filmmaker says. "I'm named after Emma, I've always had that book on my bedside table, and I've watched every period drama that's ever been made."

Jones never thought she would have a chance to create a new period piece — an Austen remake, sure, but something truly original seemed too rare a find. Enter Suzanne Allain's Mr. Malcolm's List, and the screenplay's rise to the top of The Black List, a website where screenplays receive grades and feedback from top industry executives. Mr. Malcolm's List ended up being selected for a table read, which is how Jones found it. "I fell in love with it from moment one," Jones says. "I couldn't believe my luck. It really felt like Jane Austen's long lost screenplay. I never would've imagined that something original with her charm would emerge in my life. "

So Jones contacted Allain's agent and started discussions, eventually partnering with Refinery29's Shatterbox to create the short film Mr. Malcolm's List, a prelude to all the drama and disasters outlined in Allain's original feature script. And while the marriage plot may have been told time and time again, Allain and Jones worked together to create a storyline that added depth and modern nuances to the characters. Watch the short film here, and read on to learn more about the casting, the story, and how Tinder played an important role in the nineteenth century tale.

Refinery29: What was your first impression of the script?

Emma Holly Jones: "The dialogue feels exceptional. It feels completely authentic and part of its time. But I think the motivations of some of these characters have these quirks of contemporary emotion in them. Whether it’s the fact that Selena Dalton is more outspoken than women would have been at the time, or that Malcolm is more in touch with his emotions than men would have been at the time. I think there is wonderful subtext in that script that is very relatable to a contemporary audience in very subtle ways."

How did you pull out those contemporary emotions?

"I think to fall in love or to get your heart broken or all those things in life, I don’t think the physical emotional feeling changes, whether it’s 1818 or 2019. When we were working on the opera scene we were talking about how Malcolm’s motivation is like the equivalent of swiping left or right on Tinder. We have a man who is desperately trying to fall in love and meet the right woman, who really wants his date to say the right things and be his match. The motivation of swiping isn’t actually cruel, it’s about looking for a partner."

And in Julia's case? It's refreshing that she's not exactly a role model.

"Julia’s story is a coming-of-age story. We meet a very upperclass, wealthy, to an extent arrogant, queen of society. Her plot for revenge is the motivation for the entire film. She’s sort of our villain in a way, but Gemma [Chan] had such a wonderful take on her. Julia could come across as a little ditzy, but Gemma was so adamant that Julia was innately smart and that she was a product of her time. To be a woman of that time, the revenge and the jealousy was injected into her because she was so frustrated with the limitations."

Were there any modern-day equivalents you and the cast drew on to contextualize Julia's experience?

"For Julia, high society has seen her be jilted by Mr. Malcolm. We spoke about what that would feel like, and we said it would be like waking up one morning and finding pictures of you drunk and falling out of a nightclub in the Daily Mail. It’s that humiliation, except in the feature script she wakes up to a caricature of her in the society news. It helps us all understand who these characters are, what motivates them, and allows them to be these flawed individuals who are just desperately trying to get life right."

The casting was very diverse, especially for a period piece.

"It was very simple. I realized I don’t have to have a rhyme or reason. I can make a film about England then with people from England today. We did spend a lot of time thinking about how we could take the costumes and the set and make them of our characters. I never wanted to put Gemma Chan in ringlets. We looked a lot at how 18th century Chinese women dressed and looked. We looked at West African clothing for Mr. Malcolm, and embedded touches of them into our casts’ costumes and looks. I didn’t want to just put this cast in the costumes of white people. I wanted to create what Julia would have looked like if she were Chinese in 1818.

"More importantly, it’s nice to think that maybe we might make the day of many young people who studied the literature of the time or these great writers, who imagine themselves to be the Mr. Darcy or the Lizzie Bennet of our time, even though that diversity hasn't been shown in art. I think it’s really wonderful that we’re getting the opportunity to give leading roles to people of color in this sort of material."

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Between the hairlessness, the perpetually horny pizza delivery guys, and the white leather couches (why are they always white?), porn has given us many unrealistic expectations when it comes to what sex really looks like. But one untruth we just can't get over is when an adult film actress performs oral sex for an extended period of time, and then when she's done, she appears with her lipstick not even slightly faded or smudged. It's a cliché that even the performers themselves call bullshit on.

"Everything I've tried in my life literally never stays on," Sinn Sage, an adult film performer, tells Refinery29. "When there is a 'smudge-proof,' semi-permanent style of lipstick, it dries out my lips so badly, which is not good or conducive to a nice oral experience."

But while some stars are still trying to find a lipstick that really stays on, others have it down to a science. Take Maxine Holloway, an adult film performer who has not only found a lipstick that doesn't budge, but has also come up with her own multi-step routine. "There are a few things you can do when applying that will help keep your pout put all night long and prevent makeout-induced clown mouth," Holloway says. "Try to exfoliate and moisturize your lips prior to application, so you have a nice smooth canvas to paint on. If I know I'll be having some kind of oral escapade, I apply my lipstick in thin layers — allowing each layer to stain and dry before the next."

In truth, there are a few long-wear lipsticks that adult-film actresses turn to again and again for their remarkable staying power. From a $37 Chanel lip gloss to a $9 Maybelline liquid lipstick, check out a few of these porn stars' favorites, ahead.

At Refinery29, we’re here to help you navigate this overwhelming world of stuff. All of our market picks are independently selected and curated by the editorial team. If you buy something we link to on our site, Refinery29 may earn commission.

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Lipstick can be incredibly sexy — until you get to the actual sex part. Unless you're planting a cautious peck — which is about as exciting and passionate as it sounds — the stuff gets everywhere. But an array of extreme long-wear lipsticks claim to withstand your raunchiest makeout sessions — with one even promising to last through 90 kisses (which might be a little excessive, but maybe that's just us).

We enlisted five real couples to swipe 'em on, make out, and report back on the results. What started as a test of cosmetic longevity turned into an adorable love fest, proving something we knew all along: Lipstick isn't just a makeup product — it's a symbol of passion, a vehicle for self-confidence, and a hell of a lot of fun. Check them out in action in the slides ahead.

This story was originally published July 6, 2017.

At Refinery29, we’re here to help you navigate this overwhelming world of stuff. All of our market picks are independently selected and curated by the editorial team. If you buy something we link to on our site, Refinery29 may earn commission.

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Shopping at Ulta in person is a beauty lover's dream: You can swatch every lipstick down your arm to your heart's content, plus get a brow wax, a quickie blowout, and a facial using your Rewards Points, while you're at it. But you just can't beat the convenience of the online experience, buying your Benefit mascara and a new bottle of Mario Badescu drying lotion from the comfort of your covers, knowing a bright-orange box will be at your doorstep in 3-5 business days.

And this holiday weekend, starting Friday, the 15th, there's extra incentive to stay in your pajamas and shop Ulta.com from your laptop: You'll get a ton of free beauty products, because Ulta Beauty is giving its online customers an extra-special goodie bag just for shopping. And we're not talking about a dinky throw-away gift-with-purchase lip balm. No, this is a legit swag bag — including 26 surprise beauty products, worth over $ 115 total. And the best part: The bag will be absolutely free for anyone who spends at least $70 on Ulta's site.

A post shared by Ulta Beauty (@ultabeauty) on Feb 12, 2019 at 1:24pm PST

The exact products inside the goodie bag are still a secret, but are rumored to include some of Ulta's bestsellers from fan-favorite brands like Tarte, Kate Somerville, Matrix, Bumble and Bumble, and Kiehl’s. There's no saying how long these swag bags will stay in stock, which means your best chance at scoring one is shopping for what you need at Ulta early — like, Friday or Saturday. Once you get your confirmation email, you can go right back to bed, and sleep soundly knowing that you have some sweet freebies heading your way.

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Welcome to Life Begins At. Refinery29 is proud to team up with AARP to bring you honest, intimate stories that aim to uncover all the unique experiences that come along with living — no matter your age. It’s time we shed the negative stereotypes, unconscious cultural bias, and misconceptions associated with age and get real about what aging really looks like for us. Because it’s not about how old you are; life begins when you decide to start living it. Have your own story to share about aging? Fill out this form or e mail us at lifebeginsat@refinery29.com

When I was little, I could play by myself for hours. I was quiet, timid, and nurturing — making sure all my dolls were cared for, safely tucked into bed with their bottles. Periodically, I would hear my mother yell my name from downstairs, likely to make sure I was alive. I’d have to run from my room to the top of the stairs to yell back down — my voice didn’t carry that far.

Even though I had a lot of energy and was talkative with my closest friends and family, at school or in new social situations, I was a reserved kid. I never spoke out of turn — or really spoke at all, if I could avoid it. I was small and could easily go unnoticed, and I liked it that way. I liked reading. I liked being in my own head. I wasn’t socially awkward, just a girl trying to figure out how to grow up.

We learn so many methods of understanding ourselves from the things we’re exposed to. From books and movies, I easily identified as the nerdy, smart friend. All my friends were louder, prettier, more popular. In addition to being smaller than everyone else, I had a year-round tan inherited from my dad, big eyes inherited from my grandma, and thick eyebrows from some unidentified genetics. I wasn’t conventionally pretty, or so I thought. I excelled at school, boys would ask me about my friends, and I quickly learned that I had the wit for one-liners, which easily gained me social cred without the hassle of a follow-up conversation. I was steadfast in my role, and I figured everyone else was, too.

I remember when I was 15, a boy at an amusement park told me I was pretty and asked for my number. I panicked. Instead of telling myself that I knew I was pretty, too, I thought, Who the hell am I now ?

For most of high school and college, I tried to figure that out, definitively, while also trying to distract myself from my insecurities. My body had changed from a slim, small girl into a curvy woman, thanks to my Mexican genes. I was too self-conscious, too animated, too weird in high school. I wasn’t sophisticated enough or worldly enough or, frankly, rich enough for my prestigious college. Everything I wore, did, felt, or said felt like high-stakes living. I wanted to shrink until I came out the other side.

I never felt like I knew what I was doing or the way I was supposed to be; I figured that as I headed towards adulthood, that was something that would eventually become clear.

I enjoyed my time at school, don’t get me wrong. But I never felt like I knew what I was doing or the way I was supposed to be; I figured that as I headed towards adulthood, that was something that would eventually become clear. So I just waited for things to get there. For the time when I’d find myself.

And then something happened in the final years of college: I began to speak up in class, and my thoughts had weight. I felt more confident, more sure of the fact that even when I didn’t know the answers, I could figure them out. And that sometimes, being the one in the room without the answers makes you a bigger asset — someone to really listen and question and see a bigger picture.

I can’t tell you why I started to speak up. Not every breakthrough or change starts from a huge epiphany. Sometimes it just gradually happens when you start choosing different ways of leading your daily life. I began to feel like someone — like myself. I began to dress the way I wanted all the time, embracing my new, curvy body for the first time. I changed my beauty routine and played up my full brows and full cheeks. I started to appreciate my weird sense of humor, my bluntness, my observational tendencies. I thought I was on my way to finally figuring out what this adulthood thing was all about.

They say your 20s are the best years of your life — and in some respects that’s true. After college, I started a career in editorial, started earning (some) money, and started making (what I deemed to be) lifelong friends. But here’s the thing no one tells you about your 20s: They’re not the best years because they’re necessarily good. They’re the best because they are some of the highest highs and the lowest lows. I was broke (editorial jobs don’t pay a ton and I’d put myself through college), I dealt with some crazy roommates (thanks NYC!), I went on plenty of weird dates, and I encountered countless other disappointments. But it was the culmination of these things that made me realize just how different my life could be at any moment — that one turn or one decision is one step toward something new.

When I turned 30, things changed more drastically than I felt they ever had before: I was laid off. I questioned living in the city I’d lived in for nearly a decade. I looked around and saw my friends and the fact that we were in completely different places in life — working big jobs, getting married, having kids, traveling the world. Some had all of that, some had none of that. But even as this introspection was going on, I also felt strangely accomplished and confident and beautiful. I had done a lot in the last three decades — not all of it great — but I had done it. When I looked in the mirror, I saw someone who was still questioning everything but finally felt okay about that.

I now realize that coming into one’s own happens all the time — there’s no requisite monumental breakthrough or magical age when you think you’ve got it all or know yourself fully.

As I've gotten older, I've realized that “finding” yourself is less about knowing exactly what “role” you play or even knowing definitively who you are. It’s about feeling courageous and confident and empowered in the person you are now and using that to navigate the highs and lows as best you can. I spent so long stressing over who I was (and wasn’t), but I now realize that coming into one’s own happens all the time — there’s no requisite monumental breakthrough or magical age when you think you’ve got it all or know yourself fully.

I now get to embrace the things that have been undeniably me all along — my distinct looks, my unabashed joy, my nerdiness — and the fact that I’m still changing with the ebbs and flows of life.

Ask me how I feel in another 10 years. I’m sure I’ll have a different response. But it’ll still be mine.

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When Lashawnda Becoats turned 40, she went on a two-week trip to Europe. At the time, she typically frequented the salon once a week to get her gray roots touched up, so she knew that by the end of the vacation, her silvery hairs would be more visible than ever.

She was terrified at the thought, but after two weeks gallivanting across Spain and Portugal, something changed. "I was starting to feel differently when I looked in the mirror," Becoats tells Refinery29. "I had never seen my gray hair, because I was always at my hairdresser, and I thought it looked cool." When she headed back home to North Carolina, Becoats instinctively went back to her colorist, who was less than pleased. "She was like, 'Oh my gosh, you’ve got to cover this up. It is horrible,'" Becoats says. "I said, 'No, this is not ugly. This is who I am.'"

Seven years later, Becoats now sports gray and white locs that twist like coral down the middle of her back. To her, they represent strength and freedom, and she’s not alone. In a time when women are still expected to cover up their grays, there are many who are happily ditching the dye and accepting their hair exactly as it grows out of their head. To them, it’s more than just hair, but a testament to self-love and a celebration of getting older.

Left: Alice and Olivia Bertie Striped Bustier, $225, available at Alice and Olivia; Alice and Olivia Geo High Waist Pants, $330, available at Alice and Olivia; Woll Jewelry Fern Earrings, $55, available at Woll. Right: PH5 suit ; SVNR earrings.

Jacky Lee, 61, artist

When I was younger, I was so concerned about my looks. When people would say I was beautiful, I thought, Well, if they look too long, they’ll see all my faults. I was insecure, but at my age now, I just feel cool. I’m more at peace with myself and I don’t care as much about what people think of me.

Before I went gray, I always dyed my hair. I went blonde, but then that was too high-maintenance. So I went red, like primary-color red. For years I thought, When I get older I'll stay a redhead. I didn’t want to be called “grandma” once I had a grandchild. But when he was born and he first called me grandma, it was music to my ears.

After that, I started to really love the color of my gray. I still have a friend who, every chance she gets, tells me that I should dye my hair. She says, “You look too young to have that gray hair.” And it’s like, Go away. I love my gray hair. It’s freeing. It represents to me that I lived.

Who I Am: I am a survivor. I am a creative. I am an adoptee. Oh, and I’m a grandma.

Right: Opening Ceremony Patchwork Dress, $375, available at Opening Ceremony; Tuza Heart Stud Earrings, $75, available at Tuza; Sies Marjan Embossed Plastic Coat, $1,195, available at Sies Marjan. Left: Sonia Rykiel dress; SVNR Ningbo Earring, $95, available at SVNR.

Lashawnda Becoats, 47, editor and life coach

I grew up thinking that growing older was bad. But now that I’m here, it’s the most beautiful thing in the world because it represents wisdom.

I started going gray when I was 18 years old and colored my hair immediately. When I turned 40, I decided to let go of the hair dye and I was terrified. I was afraid of how people would view me and how I would see myself. We’re taught that gray is bad and signifies getting older. And so, for me, overcoming that and deciding to let go of the hair dye and go gray is the most powerful thing I’ve done.

I want people to step out of the idea that society gets to define what beautiful is. Wearing my hair in its natural state is freedom. When I see other women with gray hair, I celebrate and salute them because it goes against what we’ve all been taught is beautiful. I hope women feel empowered when they see my hair and if they’re struggling with going gray, it encourages them to do the same.

Who I Am: I am a woman who is a warrior. I’ve been through so much in my life to get to where I am today. I feel strong. I feel confident.

Left: Mara Hoffman jacket; Hellessy pants; Celine glasses; Liz's own shirt and bracelet. Right: Milly hoodie; Boss dress; Valen & Jette earrings.

Liz Friedman, 80, jewelry designer

Most of my life, I’ve been an outsider. I didn’t look the part. In financial development, you have to look very conservative and when I retired from that industry, my boss said to me, “What are you most looking forward to?” I said, “Dressing the way I want to.”

I’ve always been out there and in your face. I stopped dying my hair when I was 60, and I love the freedom it signifies. It represents someone who accepts herself, and it saves me money so I can spend more on clothes. People see the gray, and immediately all these assumptions follow. She doesn’t do this, she can't drive. I hate the idea that I'm suddenly unable to do something because of my age and the color of my hair. I can’t think of anything that I once did that I can’t still do.

It saddens me to see that, even with women’s liberation and Me Too, every part of a woman’s body is still scrutinized. Every pore and every cell and every hair. It’s worse than it has ever been. What kind of liberation is this? If I would tell young women anything it’s “Have your own, be your own, do your own.” Don’t depend on anyone for anything. Don’t wait for approval from anybody.

Who I Am: I am a New York woman.

Left: Kenzo top ; Valen & Jette Rena Earrings, $128, available at Valen & Jette. Right: Cynthia Rowley Harper Stretch Plaid Dress, $425, available at Cynthia Rowley; Hats By Kat hat.

Kathy Anderson, 63, milliner

My mom was really special in helping me accept this aging process. I never remember her dyeing her hair and she used to dress well, too. I’ve seen how vibrant you can be as you age; you can keep on being yourself. People say all the time, “Oh, she won’t tell you her age, you can’t ask that.” On my birthday, I was telling everybody. I was happy to be turning 63.

I got my first gray hair when I was 11 years old. It was odd because a guy was sitting behind me in class and he was like, “Oh, you got a gray hair,” and he pulled it out. Then, over time, it just started being a little bit more gray. I started locking my hair in the '80s. I’ve had three different loc sets that I've cut off.

I’m learning to embrace being older. A girlfriend recently said to me that she was going to the beach and the subject of cellulite came up. She said, “Well, I earned my cellulite.” And I thought, You know what? She’s right. I earned these wrinkles and gray hair. I am who I am. God created all of us to be different.

Who I Am: I am a woman who is beginning to love who she is. I’m not there yet, but I’m beginning to accept who I am.

Welcome to Life Begins At. Refinery29 is proud to team up with AARP to bring you honest, intimate stories that aim to uncover all the unique experiences that come along with living — no matter your age. It’s time we shed the negative stereotypes, unconscious cultural bias, and misconceptions associated with age and get real about what aging really looks like for us. Because it’s not about how old you are; life begins when you decide to start living it. Have your own story to share about aging? Fill out this form or e mail us at lifebeginsat@refinery29.com

Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?

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We have something to say, and you should listen: There is no magic number.

You need to stop believing that there’s a perfect age. Stop waiting for someone to give you permission. Question why the media doesn’t portray women as they age. Ignore the pundits who say you’re too young to lead. Wear the miniskirt and the red lipstick, whether you’re 25 or 85. Trust your instincts. Find friends and mentors across generations. Stand up. Speak out.

For women, there simply is no golden age. We are penalized when we are young for being inexperienced. We are marginalized when we are older and considered irrelevant. We spend billions each year trying to look younger while we lose millions over our lifetimes as the result of the gender wage gap. At every age, there’s yet another catch-22, which is why we’ve got to stop waiting and start doing. And we’re going to provide you with a little inspiration to get you motivated.

If you visited the Refinery29 homepage today, then you may have noticed our site looks a little different (Refinery59, what’s that?!). Don’t worry, we’re not suddenly barring anyone under 59 from reading what we publish. Today, we’re dedicating our homepage and social media to one very specific question: What does it mean to age?

The truth is, there’s no single answer. It can mean navigating a new role as caretaker of a sick parent, becoming a mom at 50 or a grandma at 40, changing your career path decades after entering the workforce, or celebrating your singledom after years of marriage.

Aging no longer follows one clear and predictable path as it once seemed to. And yet, our culture still aims to put all of us in a box according to a number. We see this in our own unconscious bias, unrealistic media representation, and outdated language like, “You look SO good for your age!”

That’s why we’re proud to team up with AARP to shape a new image of aging with Life Begins At — because it’s not about how old you are, life begins when you decide to start living. We’re taking a look at what aging really looks like for women, via honest and intimate stories that shine a light on the unique ways in which we all live and age.

The bottom line is, aging is changing. And it’s time we redefine the conversation.

Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?

No, You Can't Have It All—& That's Okay

This Is How You Reinvent Yourself If You Lose Your Job At 45

A Week In Phoenix, AZ, On A $44,500 Salary

Welcome toMoney Diaries , where we're tackling what might be the last taboo facing modern working women: money. We're asking millennials how they spend their hard-earned money during a seven-day period — and we're tracking every last dollar.

Today: a victim advocate working in government who makes $44,500 per year and spends some of her money this week on breakfast tacos. We were inspired to run this diary from a 57-year-old woman living in Phoenix, AZ, in connection with our Life Begins At campaign — it’s time we shed the negative stereotypes, unconscious cultural bias, and misconceptions associated with age and get real about what aging really looks like for us.

Below, we asked the OP some questions.

Are you prepared to retire one day? Is there anything you would change about the way you save for retirement? How much do you have in your retirement account(s)?

I have a pension from 19 years of working at my last company. I don't know how much is in it, but only that if I wait until I'm 65 to collect, I would be drawing about $950 a month from that source. I contributed 11.8% of my income, matched by my employer. (We were mandated to contribute to the Arizona State Retirement System.) I currently have a meager $14,000 of my own contributions from the past two and a half years, and my new job also participates in the Arizona State Retirement System, so they will continue to put 11.8% of my income into the ASRS and will match my contributions. Even so, by the time I reach retirement age, I won't have enough. I imagine that I will at least have to work part-time past retirement age, but that's okay because I love working. I didn't save at all for retirement when I was younger, but looking back now, I don't know how I could have. I raised my daughter on a single income working for nonprofits and lived paycheck to paycheck. I suppose I could have changed careers for something higher-paying, but then...my work has given so much purpose to my life. It's a tradeoff!

Do you have any money regrets from when you were younger? Any financial advice you'd give to your younger self?

I have many money regrets from my younger years, including maxing out credit cards that had higher limits than I should have had. I also had a "stick my head in the sand" mentality with money. I avoided dealing with the problem for a long time, and as a result ended up paying late fees, interest, etc. With help from a financial counselor, I was able to negotiate a payoff agreement to avoid bankruptcy. For five years after, I refused to apply for another credit card until I knew I could be responsible with money. I now have two credit cards that I've had for many years, and I pay off the balance every month and earn a cash reward from purchases. I haven't paid credit card interest in years. The biggest lesson I learned was that if I want something that's out of my budget, I save for it. I also would tell my younger self to face up to the reality of my financial situation and budget according to that reality. I could have saved myself a lot of money and anxiety if I had done that.

At the end of the diary, you get a new job. Was that the first time you negotiated for yourself? What inspired you to do it now?

Yes, it was the first time I negotiated a salary for myself. I have always worked for nonprofits, until recently working for the government the past two and a half years. I was always told my salary, and I accepted it. This time, when the HR rep called me, she told me the salary range and the offer, but then asked me what I thought was fair. As I have gotten older, I have learned to acknowledge my skills and my worth in my field, and I took a leap. It was a surprise to me that I negotiated. I hadn't planned it...but she was so kind, and created the opportunity for me to do so.

Occupation: Victim Advocate
Industry: Government
Age: 57
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Salary: $44,500
Paycheck Amount (Biweekly): $1,287

Monthly Expenses
Mortgage: $835
HOA: $190
Student Loans: $50 from my master's program 22 years ago — I have one payment left!
Internet: $76
Electricity: $80
Car Insurance: $260 (This will decrease soon when my daughter graduates from college and she will be paying her own.)
Netflix: $11.94
Home Warranty: $43 (Because I don't know how to fix things. And I don't want to learn.)
Cell Phones: $145 for me and daughter. This will decrease to $80 as my daughter takes on this expense.
French App: $10 (Because I am planning to move to the south of France!)
Savings: $150
Arizona State Retirement: $400

Day One

5:30 a.m. — I keep hitting the snooze on the alarm. I need to get up. I want time to meditate and then I want to get the bus at 7. I finally get up at 6 and make coffee. I should make my breakfast and lunch to bring to work, but my routine has slipped — my mom died last month after an intense year of decline. I vow to pull it back together this weekend. I leave at 7:25, and as I lock the door, the bus passes. Damn. I drive to the park for the light rail and have to run to catch it. When I get on, it's packed. I squeeze in and hold my breath. I close my eyes and remind myself that every moment is a gift. Half the riders get off at the next stop and I can breathe again. I get to work, check in at my desk, and then head downstairs to buy coffee and hard-boiled eggs at the coffee shop. Stupid. I had coffee and eggs at home. $6.16

1:30 p.m. — I grab my earplugs, open up Pandora, and walk around downtown Phoenix. It is 60 degrees and cloudy, and people are out. I make eye contact with strangers in passing, and for some reason, it makes my day. I stop at Grabbagreen because I didn't bring my lunch. I get a bowl with rice, spinach, edamame, black beans, and sesame dressing. So good. Sheesh. I need to bring my breakfast and lunch tomorrow. I eat at my desk while I work on developing a PowerPoint on the topic of vicarious trauma. Fun stuff. $16.39

5:15 p.m. — I stop at CVS on my way to the light rail and buy batteries. I have a 25% off coupon that expires today, and I need them anyway. I also buy a bottle of wine. When I pay, I can't find the coupon so I pay full price. But then on the light rail, I find the coupon in my pocket. I arrive home at 5:45 and check the mail. There is a letter from hospice about their bereavement services, with tips for coping with grief. One tip says to be gentle with yourself, and I am glad for the reminder. I have dishes in the sink and my bed hasn't been made in a week, and that's not my style. My sister texts me to ask the dates again for our mom's memorial. For a confusing second, I look at my phone and want to call my mom. $22.56

7 p.m. — I slice and fry up some mushrooms and then make a salad. I also boil eggs for tomorrow's breakfast. Then I pick up my guitar and practice the songs I will lead at the Dances of Universal Peace. One of them is "Om Shanti," which means peace. Om Shanti, indeed. I wash the dishes in the sink and feel better.

7:15 p.m. — I go upstairs to my room to work on my book edits. My bed is unmade and it makes me uncomfortable, so I make it because it bugs me to look at it. I edit my book and get into the zone. Then I wash my face, brush my teeth, and am in bed by 10. Good job, self, I say. I've been staying up past midnight the past few weeks.

Daily Total: $45.11

Day Two

5 a.m. — The alarm goes off. I hit snooze and finally get up at 5:30. Coffee. Ten minutes of meditation. I make my bed and then pack up hard-boiled eggs, mushrooms, and some Thai noodles with a spring onion packet to eat at work.

7:05 a.m. — I am outside in time for the bus. Forty-two degrees, which is cold by Phoenix standards. The bus is unusually crowded and my favorite seat in the back is taken. Plus, the battery in my wireless earbuds dies after a minute. So instead I have to listen to two men in the back of the bus giving their loud opinions about everything that is wrong with the world. It must be comforting to think you have all the answers.

7:45 a.m. — Arrive at work. I make some tea. Intern arrives at 8, and I train him to use our online file system. We attempt to make initial contact calls with victims, but we only get voicemails.

12 p.m. — I review intern applications and call to schedule interviews. Then I make my lunch of Thai noodles and mushrooms and eat at my desk. A coworker friend comes in to vent. She asks if I want to come over tonight for wine and movies, but I tell her my daughter, R., is coming home tonight. But then R. texts me to say she might just come for brunch in the morning. I tell her have fun. I love having her as my daughter. I wonder if I should call my friend to see if she wants to do something, but I decide I want to be home tonight after all.

1 p.m. — Pop in earbuds and go outside for a walk. It's sunny and 64. That eye contact with strangers thing again. Kind of magical.

2 p.m. — It's Friday and I'm trying to work, but my office neighbors are being silly and the energy is contagious. I'd rather play. Someone jokes about creating a YouTube video about “conversation exploitation” with coworkers. We take the concept to the extreme.

3:30 p.m. — I do the stairs. Twenty flights. Ten up, then down again, and ten back up. But actually, each flight of stairs is a double flight, so I really climbed 40 flights of stairs. I know I'm bragging, but I'm 57. It makes me feel like a badass.

5:20 p.m. — On the bus. Earbuds are charged, and I get the good seat by the heat. I'm so tired from the accumulation of lack of sleep this past month that I start to nod off. Then I jerk awake, feeling embarrassed. I wonder if people think I'm a junkie. I laugh at myself. No...they probably just think I'm old.

6 p.m. — Home and so, so tired! I collapse on the couch for 30 minutes and then make a baked potato, throw some goat cheese, Greek yogurt, butter, and leftover mushrooms on top, and call it dinner. I wash my face and brush my teeth and I'm in bed by 8. I swear. I never go to bed at 8, but oh...I'm so tired!

Daily Total: $0

Day Three

8 a.m. — Wake up. I got 12 hours of sleep, and I feel great. Make coffee. My Sufi friend texts me with his reflections on his meditation practice. I text my daughter, and we are still on for brunch. I send a quick email to my co-dance leader and practice a new song, because I think I'm going to change what I lead tonight. At 9:25, I realize I'm dallying and am going to be late. My daughter hates it when I'm late — she is always on time, and I don't know where she got that from. Better just throw clothes on, twist my wet hair in a bun, and go. Makeup can wait. She thinks I'm beautiful no matter what.

9:54 a.m. — I arrive at Fame Caffe, and I'm early! I'm going to slide in like being on time is a breeze. Five minutes later, R. calls to ask where I am. She went to the condo thinking we were meeting there. She ruined my moment. I get in line and order for both of us. Breakfast tacos with beans, scrambled egg, and a thin layer of mashed potatoes, plus two cappuccinos. $30.28

11 a.m. — R. goes with me to Trader Joe's. She wants to buy a bottle of wine for a housewarming party this evening. I buy food for the week: mushrooms, greens, apples, cheese, two bottles of wine, pasta sauce, marinated artichoke hearts, vegetable broth, a box of gluten-free mac 'n' cheese, a carton of pea soup, and frozen veggies. Plus some paper towels and a few other things ($50.28 total). After Trader Joe's, we go through the car wash and I start cracking up. I love the car wash — it's like a carnival ride. R. shakes her head and laughs. It costs $9 and is worth every penny. $59.28

4 p.m. — I head to my friend's house, where her friend is visiting from Snowflake. We play music together on guitars. For dinner we have vegetarian shepherd's pie with beans and onions topped with a cornbread crust. Wonderful! I am so happy to spend this evening with these two women.

6:15 p.m. — The three of us load up and drive to the Dances. We get lost because the freeway is closed, but we get there with plenty of time. Beautiful evening. My dance mentor leads four songs, and then I lead my two and he finishes with a few more. Magical. Everyone is glowing by the end of the evening, and we are so in love with each other.

10 p.m. — Back at my friend's house, we have some tea and her gluten-free apple crisp. I go home at 11.

11:15 p.m. — Work on edits to the book. Wash my face, brush my teeth, and am in bed at 1.

Daily Total: $89.56

Day Four

7:45 a.m. — Wake up. Today is my day. No errands. No visitors. No obligations. Yay! I make coffee.

8:30 a.m. — My Sufi friend calls. We talk on the phone about life. Reality (or the lack thereof). We talk about the beautiful mystery of it all.

9:15 a.m. — Chores. Vacuum, mop, laundry, clean the cat boxes. I want to be done in two hours — this is my day and I've got plans! I have two unmatched socks after I put the laundry away. Here is my wisdom to share with all you young people: The sock mystery will NEVER be solved.

11:45 a.m. — Make gluten-free avocado toast. I grind some Trader Joe's salt with roasted garlic on the avocado. I want to thank millennials for giving the world avocado toast. Thank you.

12 p.m. — The rest of the day is mine! I write and listen to Pandora. Then I play some music and read.

5 p.m. — I make stuffed bell peppers with quinoa, black beans, green chiles, and an avocado sauce. YUM! While I cook dinner, R. and I FaceTime and I talk her through making quinoa tabbouleh. She is almost ready to throw in the towel with the rinsing quinoa thing, but we get through it. It's nice hanging out with her this way. I have two glasses of wine while we cook together via FaceTime and chat.

7 p.m. — Watch a movie, Life Itself. Oh. My. Don't watch it if you don't want to cry.

9 p.m. — Get caught in an email exchange with a friend that is fun and engaging but keeps me up until midnight. Dang. Then I wash my face, brush my teeth, and go to bed.

Daily Total: $0

Day Five

5 a.m. — Alarm goes off. I snooze until 6, but it's not like I actually get any extra sleep. I make coffee, shower, and make my bed. I take the light rail to work today. Go through emails and email a prosecutor about a case. Then I make plans for the intern tomorrow and schedule an interview with another intern.

10 a.m. — I have a $5 gift certificate for Starbucks. A coworker and I walk over. I order a coffee and egg bites. The total comes to $1.63 after my gift card. It isn't until I get back to my office that I realize they misunderstood and gave me an egg-and-bacon sandwich. I can't eat it, since I have Celiac, but I find a coworker who can. Back to work. $1.63

1 p.m. — Walk outside. It's warm and a little cloudy. I listen to music. A homeless man standing next to a hotdog stand asks if I would buy him a hotdog. I want to but don't have my wallet with me. That makes me sad. R. texts to let me know her quinoa salad is amazing. I congratulate her and suggest she buy pre-rinsed quinoa next time.

5:15 p.m. — I hop on the light rail and meet my friend B. for dinner at Fez. We have been best friends since I was 19. He has a brain scan thing scheduled and is worried about it. We talk about that for a while and then we talk about cosmic math formulas — the mystery of the number zero and how that fits in the meaning of life and the universe. We always end up talking about these things, no matter where our conversations start. That's why he's my best friend. I have mini Baja tacos and a glass of wine. He buys dinner.

8 p.m. — Home. Do a little writing. Wash my face, brush my teeth, and I'm in bed by 9. Sweet.

Daily Total: $1.63

Day Six

5:15 a.m. — I make coffee, shower, text a friend, fix my lunch, and make my bed. I'm starting to think my life is boring!

7:30 a.m. — Light rail. At work by 8.

8:30 a.m. — Meet victim's next of kin at court. The trial date has been pushed, and they are upset. It has been going on for so long. We meet with the prosecutor and explain why, but it doesn't really help them feel much better.

10:30 a.m. — Back at my desk. Eat two hard-boiled eggs I made this morning. Work, phone calls, yada yada. My work friend texts to see if I want to walk to the drugstore with her. I agree — I could use the break. I don't spend anything, but I'm eyeing some Bluetooth headphones and wondering if they will be better than the ones I have. Decide I'll do some research.

1 p.m. — Lunch is a salad with artichoke hearts, garbanzo beans, and Parmesan cheese. Eh. I go for my noon walk. My wireless earbuds die again mid-walk, so I go on Amazon and buy an over-the-ear pair that has good reviews. $29.99

5:30 p.m. — Home. My sister calls to see if I want to go to Fat Cats for dancing lessons, but I don't want to. And then I remember that I just started to think my life is boring. Maybe this is why. I make gluten-free macaroni and cheese with tomatoes for dinner and watch the last episode of Killing Eve on Hulu.

10:15 p.m. — Washed, brushed, and in bed.

Daily Total: $29.99

Day Seven

5:30 a.m. — Another day. You all know the routine now. Coffee, pack lunch. Out the door at 7:25 to catch the light rail. I look at my voicemail while I'm on the train, and I see I have six saved voicemails from my mom. I listen to one of them and am shocked to hear her voice. I get teary on the train.

9:15 a.m. — My cell rings. I can see it is the agency I interviewed at for a job back in early December, just before my mom passed. I was one of two final candidates, but they chose the other. I answer, curious. She asks if I am still interested and says another position is available for a victim advocate. I say I am. She says HR will call me. I hang up, my heart pounding. Did she actually offer it? I can't tell. I wait for HR.

12:30 p.m. — Lunch is leftover gluten-free mac 'n' cheese and lightly salted edamame. I go for a walk and come back and do the stairs. The stairs!

2:15 p.m. — HR calls. We negotiate a salary. I don't know what to say. It's a big, big, big increase — 25%, more than I ever thought I would make in my career. I suddenly feel very grown-up. At 57. I don't know how to wrap my head around it. I text R., who blows up my phone with how much of a badass she thinks I am and how hard I have worked and how much I deserve this. I am pumped! I accept the job and put in my notice. But I'm sad, too. I love seeing my work friends every day. For the rest of the day, I try to work while a steady stream of well-wishers comes to talk to me.

5 p.m. — I walk to the light-rail station, catch the 5:15, and am home by 5:45.

6 p.m. — I am not hungry. I'm too pumped up. I open a can of pinto beans, eat half of them out of the can, and call it dinner. I swear...I've never done that before. Then I work on some music and do some writing.

8 p.m. — Talk to my sister on the phone and do some more writing. I'm in bed by 10:30.

Daily Total: $0

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No, You Can't Have It All—& That's Okay

This Is How You Reinvent Yourself If You Lose Your Job At 45

It’s Time To Change The Conversation Around Aging

Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has been called everything from a “little girl ” and “liberal darling ” to someone who “comes across like she is 16 years old.” She’s been accused of making her voice sound younger, of seeming “to lack even a modest helping of guile,” and not looking “like a girl who struggles.” Male columnists have been eager to offer unsolicited advice, telling her to slow down and “get some authority before she tries to use it.” The Wall Street Journal recently reduced the 29-year-old representative to someone “whose claim to fame is winning one election, looking cool on Instagram, and proposing ways to spend other people’s money.” And after President Trump’s State of the Union address earlier this month, one of the paper’s columnists, Peggy Noonan, tweeted that Ocasio-Cortez appeared “not spirited, warm and original” but rather, “sullen, teenaged and at a loss.”

Not only was Noonan’s comment textbook sexism — she all but told Ocasio-Cortez to smile — it also wreaked of the same condescending, ageist tone that has followed the political firebrand since she defeated a longtime male incumbent in last year’s primary. What was Ocasio-Cortez expected to do: Look older? Less teenaged? Why was the onus on her — one of many Democrats displeased by Trump’s rhetoric — to play the part of polite young lady, a nice, good girl, when the President drummed up fears about immigrants and claimed that the U.S economy could suffer if investigations into his campaign continue?

It should come as no surprise that Ocasio-Cortez, the most visible congressional newcomer in recent memory; a woman with almost five million followers on Twitter and Instagram combined; who takes receipts and calls the quacking bird with a beak a duck when others suggest it’s an alt-chicken, wasn’t having it. “Why should I be ‘spirited and warm’ for this embarrassment of a #SOTU?” she posted in response to Noonan. “Tonight was an unsettling night for our country. The president failed to offer any plan, any vision at all, for our future. We’re flying without a pilot. And I’m not here to comfort anyone about that fact.”

Disparaging Ocasio-Cortez’s age is a weapon, but what many of her critics fail to realize is that her youth is part of her power. In a time when many voters want change, nothing quite signals the shifting of the old, white, male guard like the rise of millennial women eager to take their place. And while historically, politics has tended to attract older people who stick around for a while — the average age of a congressperson in 2017-2018 was 57.8 years, and the average length of service almost a decade — it’s hardly representative. This year, millennials are poised to overtake Baby Boomers as the largest generation in the U.S., and already, they outnumber all other generations in the labor force.

In a time when many voters want change, nothing quite signals the shifting of the old, white, male guard like the rise of millennial women eager to take their place.

There’s also a clear need for more elected officials from younger generations. Just look at last spring, when multiple older Senators asked Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg some genuinely embarrassing questions about the social network, proving that they didn’t have a basic understanding of how it worked or made a profit. Senator Orrin Hatch, who’s 84, asked Zuckerberg, “How do you sustain a business model in which users don’t pay for your service?” The Facebook founder replied, “Senator, we run ads,” before cracking a smile. It was a cringe-worthy moment for younger audiences, who no doubt stared at their screens and thought, These are the guys in charge of this thing?

Enter the newly-elected millennial women sworn into Congress this year. Ocasio-Cortez has dominated headlines, but there’s also Rep. Abby Finkenauer, 30, one of the first women to represent Iowa in the U.S. House; Rep. Lauren Underwood, 32, the youngest Black woman to ever serve in Congress; Ilhan Omar, 37, one of the first two Muslim women elected to Congress; Xochitl Torres Small, 34, a water rights lawyer in New Mexico and the first woman to represent her district; and and Katie Hill, a 31-year-old advocate for the homeless, assault survivor, gun owner, animal fosterer, and married bisexual. During her campaign, Hill embraced being dubbed “America’s most millennial candidate,” and also her “resting bitch face ” or what she called, in true millennial fashion, her “RBF.” All six of these Congresswomen ran in highly contested primaries or general election races. All six of them replaced men over the age of 50 — five of them white men.

That’s good news for representative government, and it’s good news Democrats: In last year’s midterms, 65 percent of women ages 18-29 voted blue, and they backed their own, ushering a record number of women into Congress. Anyone who didn’t see millennial women coming for the ballot wasn’t paying attention. According to the Brookings Institute, a public policy nonprofit, millennials are more diverse and more educated than previous generations. And their size and influence predictably makes them a coveted voting bloc. Once stereotyped as entitled and aimless, millennials — or people 23-38 years old — have arguably become the most powerful demographic in the country.

It makes sense that the old guard would think their age would be the most effective mode of attack. And why wouldn’t they? Women have long been expected to be smart, but keep their heads down; to learn from people who supposedly know better, but wait (and wait...and wait) until someone tells them it’s their turn. Then, after years of gaining experience, they can find themselves being considered past their expiration date. (One of the main arguments against Rep. Nancy Pelosi becoming House Speaker again was that at 78, she was too old, and had been around the chamber too long even though Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is almost the same age, and has served as Senate leader longer than any other Republican.) This generation isn’t playing by those rules: Millennial women have been skirting norms by working more, earning higher degrees than their male peers, marrying later (if at all), having kids later (if at all), and demanding action on everything from the wage gap to sexual assault and harassment. Now in Congress, millennial women in politics are creating their own rules, too. If the old script dictated that women — especially young women, especially young women of color — were the last to be heard and the first to be told to wait their turn, the new script, one being written even as I type this, calls for those very same women to stand up, speak out, and clap back.

Depending on who you ask, this shift is either exhilarating or terrifying.

If the old script dictated that women — especially young women, especially young women of color — were the last to be heard and the first to be told to wait their turn, the new script, one being written even as I type this, calls for those very same women to stand up, speak out, and clap back.

Hill recognized that her age was a benefit, rather than a deficit, even on the campaign trail. In October, she told Rolling Stone, “Millennials smell the B.S. If you want young people to actually be excited, to feel like there’s any reason to show up to vote, you have to truly have something for them to connect with. That’s easier for me than for a lot of candidates because I am young. I know what it’s like to be faced with student loans, to have rent so high you don’t know if you’re ever going to be able to save up and buy a home. The issues the people of my generation are going through are natural for me because I’ve lived them, my friends are living them.”

Underwood similarly told NPR, “In [Illinois’s] 14th district, our community has never elected a woman to Congress. The only people that have ever come out of our district are middle-aged, white men. And so I think that there’s just an interest in having a different voice represent our community now. And the fact that I am a millennial woman of color is very different.”

Older members might learn something too: Critics might talk about their lack of political experience, but no one can belittle millennials’ social media savvy — which is why some older Democrats are leaning on them for guidance. Ocasio-Cortez — who expertly uses Instagram stories to bring her supporters along for the ride, including when she’s eating ramen or downing ice cream after a long day on the Hill — has been happy to school her more senior colleagues on the topic. “Don’t post a meme if you don’t know what a meme is,” she recalled telling them. She also uses her Twitter account to educate people on what politics as usual really means. Likewise, the new millennial women in Congress are embracing their supposed “naivete,” which has made them even more relatable to younger voters. The day she was sworn in, Finkenauer shared a photo of her parents, writing, “I call this one: ‘A retired union pipefitter welder and retired public school secretary walk into their youngest daughter’s Congressional office.” During the government shutdown, Hill, Ocasio-Cortez, and Underwood were part of a group looking to hand Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell a letter demanding that he put an end to the madness that had left more than 800,000 government workers without pay. They shared it with their followers on social media, using #WheresMitch.

This isn’t to say their influence is confined to hashtags and character limits, although their ability to effectively use social platforms to reach people has had an impact on Democratic messaging. Hill and Ocasio-Cortez are now part of the prominent House Oversight and Reform Committee, which keeps the president’s power in check and can also investigate potential executive wrongdoing. Ocasio-Cortez is also hard at work on the Green New Deal, and has ignited public discourse on tax rates. Finkenauer passed her first bill last month, one aimed at helping small businesses in rural areas. Underwood, a registered nurse and expert in health policy, introduced legislation to protect those with pre-existing conditions. Omar, who wears a hijab, helped prompt a new rule allowing head coverings to be worn on the House floor for religious reasons — making the chamber more welcoming for current and also future members. And Torres Small, a member of the Committee on Homeland Security whose district includes 150 miles of the U.S.-Mexico border, co-led a border tour for House Democrats interested in sensible security measures.

Fearless and unapologetic, in touch and unintimidated, the new millennial congresswomen are adding valuable perspectives to a governing body rich in years and experience, but at times lacking in relatability and accessibility. Eventually, it should get boring for people to mock their age, their young looks, their voices. Eventually, we can hope pundits will stop using the word “girl” to describe grown women elected to office. And if not, if those comments continue, then we’ll know the critics have nothing else to go with — they’re just lashing out. Kind of like a bunch of sullen, unspirited teenagers.

Caitlin Moscatello is the author of the forthcoming book SEE JANE WIN, to be published by Dutton, an imprint of Penguin Random House, later this year.

Welcome to Life Begins At. Refinery29 is proud to team up with AARP to bring you honest, intimate stories that aim to uncover all the unique experiences that come along with living — no matter your age. It’s time we shed the negative stereotypes, unconscious cultural bias, and misconceptions associated with age and get real about what aging really looks like for us. Because it’s not about how old you are; life begins when you decide to start living it. Have your own story to share about aging? Fill out this form or e mail us at lifebeginsat@refinery29.com

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Welcome to Life Begins At. Refinery29 is proud to team up with AARP to bring you honest, intimate stories that aim to uncover all the unique experiences that come along with living — no matter your age. It’s time we shed the negative stereotypes, unconscious cultural bias, and misconceptions associated with age and get real about what aging really looks like for us. Because it’s not about how old you are; life begins when you decide to start living it. Have your own story to share about aging? Fill out this form or e mail us at lifebeginsat@refinery29.com

For far too long, aging was seen as something to fight against, never something to embrace. This is especially true for women, who were told to guard against any and all natural appearance changes with an arsenal of wrinkle creams, concealer, and hair dye.

While there’s still plenty of progress to be made in how we view the physical changes that come with age, society has thankfully made some major strides in embracing a more inclusive definition of beauty — one that essentially says “do you,” whether that means obscuring physical changes or letting them shine, just as they are. More importantly, women are realizing that there’s no inherent terror in getting older. In fact, 61% of women believe they are beautiful at any age.

To that point, we teamed up with AARP and spoke with eight women over the age of 35 about the things they most love about their appearance as they grow older. Turns out, there’s generations of women proudly disrupting outdated ideas about aging and fully embracing their beauty — silver streaks and all.

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Throughout her career, Taraji P. Henson has had more than a few instances when she was told this was her big break. The actress has shown her incredible range time and time again, from her first starring role in the 2001 coming-of-age film Baby Boy, to her Oscar-nominated performance in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, to her comedic turn in 2019’s What Men Want. The accolades — and the acknowledgments — have been piling up as well: She has a Golden Globe and a Critics Choice Television Award for her role on Empire, not to mention three Primetime Emmy nods. And earlier this year, Henson made her permanent mark on Hollywood with a star on the Walk of Fame.

After countless roles on the big and small screen, and with her 50th birthday approaching, the actress says there’s so much left for her to do. The only timeline Henson says she adheres to is her own, and spoiler alert: She’s just getting started.

In the past, you’ve talked about how we place age limits on women in Hollywood, while male actors don’t face the same issue.

Absolutely, men don't have an age limit put on them at all. They don't. I have not seen a man stop working because of his age. I haven't even seen a man stop working because of his receding hairline or his beer gut. So why should women have a limit? That's what Viola [Davis], Regina King, and I are all fighting for: To break through that ceiling. We're still talented, why should we stop working?

Black women specifically have a reputation for aging like fine wine. Obviously, "Black don't crack." And you are definitely in that category of women who just get better with age. How do you do that? Do you feel pressure, or is it just something that comes naturally?

I don't feel any pressure to do anything but live my best life and be healthy and happy. You're going to age. There's no way around it — it is inevitable. I just think you accept it, and you try to age as gracefully as possible. What, you going to freeze yourself, going to walk around on a frozen ice cube? (Laughs) No. You live your life. I laugh a lot, I take a lot of naps, I drink a lot of water, and a lot of it is genetics. My grandmother, she doesn't look a day over 70, and she's 94.

Was there any point in your career where you felt like, "This is it. This is where I'm taking off."?

I've just been told that I've had a lot of false starts in my career. You know, everybody thought [my big break] was going to be Baby Boy, and then it wasn't. And then it was going to be Hustle & Flow. But I never relied on one project to do it for me. I just wanted to do work that will be talked about long after I'm gone. I studied greats that came before me and I just want to be a great that the young ones study.

Can you talk a little more about that false start? How did that feel? Did you have moments of disappointment?

I was smart enough to not let it get to me. I don't know by whose clock, but people say I got started late, whatever that means. But I just remember I was mature in my thinking, so I just knew the world.

I knew that it was going to be very different for me and Tyrese after Baby Boy. I just knew because he was a guy, his career was going to take off. And, what happened? Tyrese booked Transformers, he booked two big franchise movies, Transformers and Fast and Furious right after Baby Boy. And where did I go? To a show on Lifetime that no one, pretty much, watched.

I remember saying it to John [Singleton], "I'm going to have a sex change. I see it's easier for men. I'm going to turn myself into a guy." He was like, "Please don't."

Do you think that there's been a shift in that gender disparity that you're speaking to?

There absolutely has been a shift. That's why you're seeing all of these movies that are starring women: Ghostbusters and Hidden Figures were both greenlit by women, and my movie, What Men Want. That's what you're starting to see now that women are moving into power positions. They're taking over — not taking over — I don't want to scare the men. But they're moving into these positions where they're able to greenlight movies that are women-friendly. Think about it: We bring the husbands to the movies, we bring our families, our boyfriends, we are the box office draw so why not cater to women. That's a no-brainer.

You are turning 50 next year.

Am I?

I wouldn't know. But what does that mean to you? What does this next chapter look like?

I still feel like I'm just getting started. I still feel like I have so much more to do. I'm a character actress. I have another fantasy role, heavy prosthetics. I want to not look like myself. I wouldn't mind doing a Dr. Seuss story. I love the craft of acting and I don't feel like I've done it all yet.

Is there a dream role that you haven't done yet?

Oh, God. You know what? I would love to play the female Joker. That is a character that I am obsessed with. And I would love to get a spin on a female version. Or just a villain. I'm always the good, strong, moral character. I want to be bad.

If men could hear what women want, what would you want them to hear?

If you're a man in a power position, I’d want you to hear: Pay me my money. Pay me what I deserve. We deserve it and you need us. The end.

I'm only interested in appealing to the men who call the shots.

How would you finish the sentence, "Life begins at ...?

Life begins at that first breath you take, that's when life begins.

This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Welcome to Life Begins At. Refinery29 is proud to team up with AARP to bring you honest, intimate stories that aim to uncover all the unique experiences that come along with living — no matter your age. It’s time we shed the negative stereotypes, unconscious cultural bias, and misconceptions associated with age and get real about what aging really looks like for us. Because it’s not about how old you are; life begins when you decide to start living it. Have your own story to share about aging? Fill out this form or e mail us at lifebeginsat@refinery29.com

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For the past four and a half years, I’ve been single. Most of the time it has been just fine, as I have more than enough to keep myself busy. Between running a consulting firm, sitting on three nonprofit boards, writing a book, finding time to exercise, visiting with friends, and entertaining my three-year-old rescue pup, Phoebe, I find the feeling of loneliness is kept at bay.

However, every year around late October or early November, as Christmas decorations begin appearing in store windows and holiday songs are played on the radio ad nauseam, I begin to feel a twinge of sadness. By early December, the entire world seems to be counting down the days to the last two weeks of the year. Me, well, I’m counting down the days until the holidays are over.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not a Scrooge, and I’ve often loved the celebrations that take place leading up to and throughout the holiday season. I’m Jewish, but during my entire childhood I begged for a Christmas tree (with no success, I’m afraid). And I have happy memories of celebrating the season with my significant others during the years when I was married, and later in a long-term relationship.

But these past four years, it has truly been a struggle. No kids, no parents, and no partner meant that most likely I would be solo or a third wheel at a friend’s dinner. It wasn’t until this year that I finally made a decision to shake things up and get the hell out of town. In the past, I had always dragged my feet because the cost of holiday travel is so high that I could practically take two trips for what it would cost me to vacation between December 20 and January 2.

No kids, no parents, and no partner meant that most likely I would be solo or a third wheel at a friend’s dinner. It wasn’t until this year that I finally made a decision to shake things up and get the hell out of town.

But in early December, a dear friend piqued my interest when she told me about a four-night, five-day Lindblad Expeditions/NatGeo/Exhale journey in the Sea of Cortez. The trip sounded amazing: sunrise yoga each morning, daily stops to islands for hiking, kayaking, paddle-boarding, beach yoga, snorkeling, and just relaxing. Initially, I was reluctant to take a cruise — I always assumed it would be something I did when I reached my 80s, when my energy levels and ADHD were finally curtailed.

Nevertheless, this journey sounded like the opposite of a slow-moving, massive cruise and far more enticing. I figured that there would be enough activity to keep me, an energetic, solo traveler, busy and engaged. And the dates were perfect: We’d depart on December 26 and return to port on December 30, which meant I would miss the whole holiday week. I started to book my trip and was immensely relieved to learn that the most cost-effective flights would depart early on Christmas Day and return very late on New Year’s Eve. No need to worry about finding a party or things to do on either holiday. I was over the moon.

As the days grew closer to departure, though, I found myself getting a bit apprehensive. Who would I talk to? What if I got seasick? What if my room was claustrophobic? What if there was no Internet? (Yes, pathetic, I know!) I talked myself off the ledge, however, and reminded myself that it was only five days. Worst-case scenario, I had books to read and plenty of work that I could do.

In the end, I had nothing to worry about. The ship was brand new, and my cabin was larger than my first studio apartment in New York City, with a queen-size bed and extra-fluffy down pillows. I had two giant windows and a large bathroom with a shower that had better water pressure than mine in Brooklyn.

Before we set sail, all 80 passengers gathered in the main cabin for Champagne and cookies. I quickly scanned the room and immediately realized I was the only solo passenger. Families, couples, children, and me. But I wasn’t bothered by that. A few years back, I might have been nervous and maybe even a wee bit despondent, but not this time. In a way, I looked at it as an adventure. I could choose my daily activities without consulting with anyone. Yoga at sunrise? Maybe. Kayaking along the shore? Maybe. Snorkeling with sea lion cub pups? Yes. Aerobic hiking? Yes. Beach yoga? No. And no one would talk me out of any decisions. They were mine to make, and quite frankly, that was empowering.

I found myself getting a bit apprehensive. Who would I talk to? What if I got seasick? What if my room was claustrophobic? What if there was no Internet? (Yes, pathetic, I know!)

Still, I had to laugh when my sister texted me to see if there were any hot, single men on the cruise. When I told her there were not, she texted back immediately and asked about the crew.

I didn’t find my soul mate, but each day was filled with new adventures. Starting the morning with sunrise yoga led by a guru from Exhale Spa was truly magical. I’m a little embarrassed to admit I’m not a yoga fan, but watching the sun first peer above the horizon over the Sea of Cortez made every downward dog beyond worth it. Snorkeling with the baby sea lion cubs was a spectacular experience, and I so adored interacting with the little pups who were enthralled with our bubbles. I spent the afternoons exploring the different islands, taking in the stunning vistas, and relaxing on the sun-kissed beaches. Nothing beat diving into the cool water after returning from a two-hour hike.

But I was most moved on the day I finally spotted dolphins. I’ve visited beaches on six continents, but I’d never seen one in the wild. Well, my day finally came. And I didn’t just see one or two, but hundreds and hundreds racing beside our ship for over an hour one afternoon as we sailed between islands. It was a glorious sight, and one I will never forget. I took it as a good omen for the coming new year and convinced myself it symbolized that some exciting opportunities were coming in my near and far future.

The last morning, as we disembarked at the port in La Paz, I was a bit sad to see the journey come to an end. It had been such a unique and enchanting five days making new friends and learning more about the natural world. I was hesitant to fly back to the craze of New York City, not to mention the cold weather. Nonetheless, I felt recharged, rested, and excited to tackle 2019.

I landed back in New York very late on New Year’s Eve and headed to my sister’s home in Brooklyn. I snuggled with her pup, Loofah, and looked forward to waking up in the new year with my sister and her family. I loved my time away, but I was glad to be home.

Maybe it sounds cliché, but you’re never too old to experience new adventures. Solo travel isn’t reserved for twentysomethings trying to escape the grind, or fortysomethings trying to find themselves. And at the end of the day, self-care is not just about relishing your routine but pushing yourself outside your comfort zone, taking a risk, and enjoying the view.

Susan McPherson, founder and CEO of McPherson Strategies, is the cupid of corporate responsibility — inexhaustibly connecting good people with one another so they can do great things. Whether hosting a panel on that status of refugees, writing on the most cutting edge communications strategies for Fast Company, or serving on one of half a dozen boards, she brings infectious enthusiasm and studied strategic thinking.

Welcome to Life Begins At. Refinery29 is proud to team up with AARP to bring you honest, intimate stories that aim to uncover all the unique experiences that come along with living — no matter your age. It’s time we shed the negative stereotypes, unconscious cultural bias, and misconceptions associated with age and get real about what aging really looks like for us. Because it’s not about how old you are; life begins when you decide to start living it. Have your own story to share about aging? Fill out this form or email us at lifebeginsat@refinery29.com

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It seems that women over 60 are having a moment — particularly in politics, where Nancy Pelosi, 78, is once again dominating in D.C., and in entertainment, where Glenn Close, 71, made headlines in January for her inspiring Golden Globes speech. But when it comes to the corporate world, women of a certain age are still fighting some tough battles. And the reality is that if you’re a woman who's fired from her job when she's over 40, opportunities may not be as flush as they once were.

Industries are constantly shifting, workers have to prove their relevance, and the truth is, reinvention is difficult for everyone, but especially women of a certain age. Data shows that it's more difficult for older women to find jobs than older men, and that there is evidence of age discrimination in hiring older women. A 2018 AARP survey of adults over 45 found that 61% of respondents have seen or experienced age discrimination in the workplace and that older women, African-Americans, Hispanics, and people who are unemployed are likelier to feel discriminated against.

If you are fired after 40, though, you’re not alone — there’s a growing crowd of prominent former execs from entertainment, retail, publishing, and other industries who have not only adjusted after losing a big job but found the strength and confidence to disrupt their industries. Take Sallie Krawcheck, the CEO and cofounder of Ellevest, the digital financial adviser for women. Krawcheck was let go from not one, but two high-profile CEO positions in finance, first at Citi Wealth Management in 2008, and then at Merrill Lynch Management and Trust in 2011. At that point, she did “a deep dive into [her] soul” to figure out what to do next.

Krawcheck spoke to Refinery29 by phone about the mistakes she made and the lessons learned. At the end of the day, she says, “it’s all about impact.”

Can you tell us about the circumstances of your being fired?

“ I have been fired/let go/reorg’ed out twice. When I was running Citi/Smith Barney, I had a substantial business disagreement with the CEO during the financial crisis. We had sold products incorrectly, that would lose money in a bad market. They miscalculated, and we lost a lot of money in the process. I wanted to reimburse clients and the board agreed with me. But I lost my job.”

And the second time?

“ I was working at Merrill Lynch/Bank of America. I was brought in to turn around the business after the financial crisis. We turned it around. The boss who hired me retired, we got a new boss, and we as a team delivered fantastic results: growing, gaining share, beating plan. Then I was reorg’ed out. It was ‘Thank you for your work, we are going in a different direction.’

"It felt so unfair the second time. How can you get reorg’ed out when your business results are so much better than others’? In the meeting, when my boss said we are going to reorg, I think I laughed! And said, ‘You mean me?’”

Why did that happen?

“I wasn’t pals with the boss. It was cultural issues that drove it. I have learned from conversations with folks through the years that I wasn’t a culture fit.”

What does that mean, cultural issues? Personality? Gender?

“All of it. I tried to deliver results and be respectful. The message I got in reviews was, ‘Your profile is too high.’ My profile is high because the business is doing well! And when you’re a senior woman in business, good luck trying to hide!

“The second piece of feedback I got was that I was working too hard. And I thought, I need to work this hard because the business is in poor shape! The message was, ‘Don’t email people on the weekend, save it for Monday morning.’

“I felt I owed it to the 30,000 people who worked for me to get the business on stable footing. I owed it to them, and to their families, and their clients’ families. Today, we sit here and know that things got better, but at the time there was great volatility, great unease. It was a scary time.”

What were the days/weeks/months like following your departure?

“ They reorg’ed me out the day after Labor Day. It was such an insult to injury! What?! My children went back to school the very next day. This thing was in the works, but you didn’t want to interrupt your delightful August to tell me? You could have given me the gift of the summer off with my kids, but you chose to do this instead.

"They also didn’t give me the respect of telling me in advance. They gave me 20 minutes from when I left my office to when my father saw the announcement on CNBC."

And then what?

“Then I went home and drank heavily with my husband. He was like, ‘Would you like dinner?’ I said, ‘No, but more vodka please!’ I spent the next day wallowing, feeling super sorry for myself. The day after that, I called the members of the board and asked them what I could have done better. I learned there was no one in the room advocating for me."

How did the firings affect your identity?

“ I tried to learn lessons from both experiences. Maybe the first time, I didn’t listen hard enough, or maybe karma was trying to redirect me. I wasn’t ready to leave big banks. I didn’t feel I had accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish. So I ran headlong into the next job. It was basically the same job at a different company. That was my first mistake.”

And the second?

“The second time I got let go, I tried to sit back, not make big decisions, not take the next job that came up at a big company. I was very thoughtful about what I wanted to accomplish in my career."

What did you decide?

“I was in the fortunate position to be able to sit and work through what had been a dramatic few years. The next job offers came fast. And I was like, No, I’m not going to jump yet. I spent a lot of time trying to be introspective and tried on a few outfits professionally.”

Like what?

"I almost went to the Obama administration. I thought about becoming an entrepreneur. I thought about financial services. I joined a couple of boards. I advised some firms. I had a lot of lunches with people.

“My biggest thought was, ‘All right, Sallie, what do we want to do? We have X number of years left on this earth, how do we want to spend them? Is being at a big company important? Is money important? Is the mission important? Is the impact important?’ It was a deep dive into my soul.

"Then I asked myself: Okay, if this is what’s important, how do I get there? Do I have the skill set to do it? I talked with my friend Nilofer Merchant [who would later publish the book The Power of Onlyness] about this concept of what is the only thing you can do. And I worked through it. I don’t need a jet. I don’t need all the trappings. It’s all about impact. I want to leave some impact on this earth. I have the background. I have the money."

So you decided to tackle the issue of why women don’t invest as much as men do. What were some early hurdles?

“First, getting over my own biases. People said you should start an investment firm for women. I thought that was dumb! ‘Women don’t need their own thing!’ But the ones out there are patronizing. Having grown up in the investing industry, which has failed to engage women, I had an old-school way of looking at it. I needed to look at the facts. There is a huge impact potential here.”

Two years later, you launched Ellevest.

“It took me two years because I made so many mistakes. The problems we were trying to solve were hard. Why don’t women invest? What keeps them from investing? What is the product we can build?”

And launching a startup is very different than working in banking. What did the day-to-day look like for you?

“Raising money, hiring people who are different from me, figuring out what the product is, building the product, all the hustle. It’s been the hardest thing I have ever done. It is so much harder than running Smith Barney or Merrill. At a big bank, you have a bad day, you lose millions of dollars. In a startup, every day is crucial. You make mistakes, and then you run out of capital. We lost time last year trying to improve a product, and then rolling it out and having it tank. When that happens in a startup, it is really painful.”

But worth it?

“The results are great. When you look at us versus other digital-first advisers, we were the first to $100 million. We now have $250 million in assets.”

Do you have plans to do something else next?

“I never have had a plan, like Then I’m going to do this, then that. You can’t plan it out. I will not give you ‘I wish I had done this years ago,’ because I think you can have different callings in life. I can say I am 1,000% fully engaged in this. When I wake up at 3 a.m., Ellevest is what I worry about. This is it.”

Welcome to Life Begins At. Refinery29 is proud to team up with AARP to bring you honest, intimate stories that aim to uncover all the unique experiences that come along with living — no matter your age. It’s time we shed the negative stereotypes, unconscious cultural bias, and misconceptions associated with age and get real about what aging really looks like for us. Because it’s not about how old you are; life begins when you decide to start living it. Have your own story to share about aging? Fill out this form or e mail us at lifebeginsat@refinery29.com

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No, You Can't Have It All—& That's Okay

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We know what you’re thinking — I’m not even 35 yet, why should I be worrying about what’s going to happen when I’m 40, 45….ahem, 50. You’re going to say a pair of forty-something women frustrated with their career trajectories is just normal mid-life angst — nothing new.

But is it? Maura, 47, has been an editor at some of the most well-regarded publications in New York, but these days she’s feeling the existential dread of working at a print publication at a time when she's constantly reminded that print is dying. This also comes as she's trying to jump-start her career or shift gears while struggling to take care of a two-year-old. Alexandra (Lexy), 44, has published five books and established herself as an expert in the environmental health world. She has relocated to the Hudson Valley to raise her two young daughters in nature. She works from home, writing those books as well as helping people and companies translate their sustainability initiatives into “content.” Work is more of a hustle than she bargained for at this age. Environmental issues are her passion, but most people don’t care. She wants more clients but networking in the woods is impossible.

We might be better off than most, but it feels downwardly mobile. We both feel stuck. And seeing as we had definite designs on what our 40s would be like when we were back where you are now, we’re here to tell you that what we’re experiencing is modern; this is not your mom’s mid-life crisis. And knowing this might make you feel better, especially if you’re already tired of the rat race, or are pregnant and wondering what will happen post-maternity leave, or are waking up at night wondering how you got here. Because it’s not just that we and our contemporaries are feeling like we have less options than we used to when we were younger. It’s that despite all the Having-It-All cultural conditioning we’ve endured, we actually do have less options. In fact, the whole career landscape has changed. Technology has disrupted every industry. The cost of living is higher. The economy is shakier. Some of us are earning less than we were five or even ten years ago, in our mid-thirties, and often working even more than we were then. Those of us with (young) kids have no bandwidth at the end of the day to angle for a promotion or find a new job. It’s like being on a slowing treadmill with no way off—and all the more painful if your self worth has been wrapped up in your career.

It’s not just us, but our friends and colleagues too, who we’ve been interviewing in an effort to understand where our lives derailed. We are the girls who grew up being told if we could find a meaningful career and gain financial independence, happiness would follow. Our moms and the second wave feminists paved the way for us to earn college degrees, enjoy thriving careers, and have families—when and if we decided to. Biological clocks were no longer ticking, thanks to egg freezing, IVF, and surrogacy. And we took advantage; according to multiple studies, women get 57 percent of the degrees in America, it doesn’t matter what kind: bachelors, masters, doctorates. Our twenties and even thirties were all about finding the perfect job, climbing the proverbial career ladder. And if and when we found a partner that we wanted to have a child with, we’d be set enough in our careers to start a family. Or not. As Gloria Steinem proclaimed: We have become the men we wanted to marry.

After years of thinking, We got this, we’ll hit all the milestones: career, relationship, maybe motherhood, and by the time we hit our forties we’ll be at the top of our game! We now realize this was an illusion. We’re not living the lives we envisioned. We’re not bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan. We are certainly not leaning in (Sheryl Sandberg’s corporate feminism speak rings a little hollow these days). As Michelle Obama put it on her Becoming book tour recently: “That shit doesn’t work all the time.” She also reminded us that you can’t have it all at the same time—that’s a lie, she said. Leave it to an Obama to offer the balm we need as we navigate this moment, stuck in jobs we don’t love and watching our options narrow.

But here’s the thing: when one door narrows or even closes, others open. Trite but true. As we interviewed all these forty-something women, we started to hear similar threads. We discovered that, yes, there is very real panic and desperation out there, but there are equal doses of grace and newfound wisdom. The following voices articulate all we have been feeling in ways we haven’t quite been able to.

M., a Pilates instructor, explains, “ I opened up my first business when I was 27. It was doing really well. I worked all the time, was partying, and traveling.” Since life was moving along on the right timeline, M., now 43, had her first son at 32. “It felt very special initially and then I sort of fell apart from there. My husband was working all of the time. When my son turned 2, I was being pulled in many different directions.” At the very moment she could have been cultivating her brand in the exploding wellness world (she’s long had a roster of fashion world clients), she downsized and started teaching from home. “I had more time for my son, but that wasn't super fulfilling even though working from home gave me some flexibility.” She couldn’t grow her business or network and today she feels like she’s playing catchup.

The freedom of a freelance career provides more time for a child, but it can also mean around-the-clock work. Lexy’s first daughter was born when she was 31 and the flexibility was invaluable. Looking back though, she (barely) remembers endless days at the playground, fielding work calls mainly on mute to drown out the sounds of kids shrieking as the other moms sat in judgment. She felt torn to be both with her daughter and ignoring her at the same time—working mom purgatory. The bulk of her work was done between 8 pm and 2 am, the antithesis of work-life balance. But she had interesting projects and the alternatives were even less appealing: either an expensive full-time nanny and not getting to see her kid, or a gap on her resume in her prime professional growth years leading up to 40.

Meanwhile Maura was the apex of her career game— or so she thought. She had a high-profile job at a prominent news website, making more money than ever, managed a big staff, and the optics were great. But she quickly realized she was working for a mercurial leader and she wasn’t doing what she was hired to do. Four miserable months in, she decided she had had enough. “On my 40th birthday, I texted my resignation from a nail salon down the street from the office. It was not a great career move but it was empowering—I couldn’t work somewhere that didn’t align with my beliefs or work for a boss I didn’t think was a good human.”

Maura returned to a job where she could work with people she liked and valued. This proved to be a gift when her father became ill with cancer and she was free to carve out a schedule where she could be at his bedside for the last year of his life. And even as she panics about feeling stuck right now, she reminds herself that life takes unexpected turns in all sorts of ways. She’s learning to feel okay about not having all the answers or solutions right now. This is one of the big gifts of mid-life, that you can’t control everything and maybe you don’t have to.

This realization is a relief for many of us, no matter how we come to it. It doesn’t really matter what life choices you make; you end up at the same place, whether you prioritize career over kids, or kids over career. V., 42, was a total workaholic for her entire career and it paid off. A highly sought after tech guru, her personal life took a back seat. She got married, but then she also got divorced—when she realized she was gay. At forty she had a gut check, literally and figuratively. Her body shut down. She was unable to digest food and ended up at the Mayo Clinic. “For years I conflated my work with my identity, my happiness,” she says. “It came easier to me to be a good worker than a good life person.”

At forty, she was finally able to flip this equation around. She learned about nutrition, immersed herself in Kundalini yoga, meditated, and used her work ethic to try to restore balance to her life. She even left her job. “I have been on this journey: What does it mean to live a more embodied pursuit of happiness not tied to working like a maniac? It’s scary. I’m still undoing so many years of bad patterning, of thinking that sending fifty emails is being productive. No, that’s just me being a zombie.”

For E., a writer and TV producer in Los Angeles, who spent her thirties in the top writers’ rooms in comedy “enduring a lot of dick jokes,” she finally felt empowered to make her own decisions. She said no to reality show projects, bathroom humor, and anything involving trained monkeys. “In my forties, the room became more mine and I got to choose the people who'd occupy it with me,” she says.

Now when she travels for work, E., makes an effort “to take time to see this new place rather than stare at the four walls of a hotel room while on the phone with the office.” She has also learned, as most people at this stage of life do, not to cancel a dentist appointment because of a last minute emergency meeting. “You need to tend to both your physical and mental health. Turn your phone off during dinner. Have a weekend,” she says.

“Having an identity wrapped up in work is overrated,” says a former magazine creative director. “Once you let go of striving, everything flows.”

The little luxuries in life have also captivated S., a former magazine creative director who has moved on to working on fulfilling and fun creative projects in another city. She put everything aside in the process of bringing that magazine to life. “My family fell apart. The lack of balance was untenable.” Eventually the magazine folded and she was able to regain her footing. She’s working now as a designer in a new city. “What’s vastly different than the previous career peak is my commitment to free time.” Ambition isn’t everything it was cracked up to be. “Having an identity wrapped up in work is overrated,” she says. “Once you let go of striving, everything flows.”

Acting on this realization can be terrifying. Lexy, a native New Yorker, had a second daughter and took the leap, moving to the woods shortly before her 40th birthday. She works when her kids are at school and spends most afternoons roaming around the countryside with them. In her thirties, people who spoke earnestly about hiking or forest bathing made her cringe, but it’s undeniable: nature deficit disorder is real. Her work remains a hustle, but she’s able to focus mostly on environmental health, her passion. It’s not a bad compromise—plus there are sunsets, which are remarkably enjoyable even as she frets about healthcare, climate change, and the future.

L., a 45 year-old nutritionist, is also enjoying her children, whom she had young. “Because the clock is ticking or maybe priorities are more in order, I sit with my kids and try to soak as much in as I can. I feel, when we are all together, that I don’t need any more. Is my shit more together or is this because I’m facing a time in a couple of years where my boys are leaving?”

These are the moments when we can see that feeling stuck isn’t failure. Yes, you can’t have it all—or at least not at the same time. But that’s ok. It’s fine. You will thrive in unexpected areas. Your values may shift and you will discover that the things you thought meant success (big salary, thousands of Instagram followers) you will no longer give a shit about. In your forties you will feel something along the lines of grace. And you’ll learn that that’s not the same thing as giving up. That’s balance.

What matters now is giving ourselves the space to do what feels important and impactful. In fact, we’re living our lives with more intention and getting shit done. Since the presidential election, M. has been donating fees from her weekly Pilates classes to women’s groups. We’re knocking on doors canvassing for politicians we believe in, role modeling for our kids and our friends. Many women are taking this desire for change even farther—we’re running for public office in record numbers, working to shift the gender imbalance in politics

And somewhere in all of this, we’re finding ourselves a little. V.’s health is mainly better and now she’s building a start-up focused on finding balance. The irony isn’t lost on her. “Our team is a very different make up of people than I was working with in the tech world. Meetings are all about emotions and sharing stuff I equated with being weak. It’s probably the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s forcing me to slow down.”

We’re saying yes to things big and small. On her last birthday, despite being on deadline, Maura, a self-confessed workaholic, took the afternoon off to take a paper flower class. “I was with 5 other middle-aged ladies cutting and folding and gluing in someone’s basement and it felt like the most creative three hours of my entire year.” S., the TV producer, got married. “Had I married any of the men I dated in my thirties, I'd be divorced by now. I dated all the wrong men in my thirties to find the right man, most importantly, a kind man, now.”

“I spent my twenties and thirties striving,” says L., the nutritionist. Striving to build a business, striving to improve my relationship/marriage, striving to raise kids well. Parts of this were grueling. I am proud to feel somewhat on the other side of struggle.”

We don’t obsess over the small failures as much. We become wiser. We mellow.

There actually is another side, according to sociologists. Though our research has been mainly anecdotal, we ran across actual data supporting what we’ve been experiencing. In his 2018 book The Happiness Curve, the writer Jonathan Rauch explains that adult happiness is U shaped. Women in their mid-forties bottom out because it’s the time we get maxed out with child rearing, demanding careers, and aging parents. (For men it happens a little bit later.) Were slogging through, thinking: Is this all there is? Work, kids, laundry? But then we start to find equilibrium as we edge close to fifty. Rauch explains that as we age, we become more aware that time is finite and so we start investing in things that matter like friendships and family. We don’t obsess over the small failures as much. We become wiser. We mellow. We value compassion over competition. And the best part, our happiness levels increase each decade thereafter. Getting old never sounded better.

As S., the magazine creative director, puts it, “Unscheduled time is the unsung hero. I’ve seen the dark side of having the dream job, and I never want to go back.”

.

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As much as we may choose to ignore it, labels are constantly being forced upon us. Younger generations are told they're "too young" and "too entitled," while older generations are told they're "too old" and "irrelevant." This is especially true when it comes to activism. For far too long, our society has held onto the belief that only people of a certain age can create an impact — if you're under 30, you're "immature"; if you're over 50, you're "out of touch."

That's why we teamed up with AARP and two writers/activists of different ages — Michaela Angela Davis and Aija Mayrock — to talk about the prevailing issue of outdated toxic language and how everyone has the power to create change, no matter their age, gender identity, race, sexuality, or anything else.

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For far too long, society has associated certain industries, career paths, and jobs with stereotypes based on gender and age. This is particularly true of the most senior of titles: CEO. The reality is, there is no gender identity or magic age required to make it to the top — and plenty of women are out there proving it.

That's why we teamed up with AARP to shine light on two extraordinary female CEOs of different life stages: Bethann Hardison, founder of Bethann Management Company Inc., which is devoted to diversifying the fashion industry, and Bea Arthur, founder and CEO of on-demand therapy service The Difference. In the video above, watch as these two share the peaks and pitfalls of building their own companies from the ground up — plus what a CEO really looks like to them.

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Congratulations are in order for Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom, who got engaged on Valentine's Day amidst balloons, roses, but noticeably no Kenny G (he was booked).

Perry announced the news with an Instagram selfie, flashing her gigantic flower-shaped diamond ring with what looks to be a ruby stone in the center. The ring is undeniably unique, but not too far behind is her untraditional manicure. Perry's nails are painted in hot pink polish, which matches the ring pretty perfectly and feels refreshingly different than the nudes and pale pinks you usually see on bridal Pinterest boards.

Knowing that Perry's engagement nails look like this, we're probably in for a real treat (and lots of mani inspo) when she walks down the aisle.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by KATY PERRY (@katyperry) on Feb 15, 2019 at 2:07am PST

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Ageism is all around us. Being stereotyped or discriminated against on the basis of age may feel like an issue that only affects older people — like when someone is told they’re too old to work in a certain industry or wear an item of clothing. But in reality, it affects each and every one of us, whether you’re a 63-year-old who feels underrepresented by wrinkle-free shots in magazines or a 23-year-old whose coworkers make comments like, “You’re doing THIS job at YOUR age?”

Chances are, you've had a moment in your life when something (or someone) made you feel like you were being shamed, either directly or indirectly, for being “too old” or “too young.” Ageism, in all its forms, is so embedded in our culture, across all regions and socioeconomic groups, that most of us don’t even recognize it. That’s why we teamed up with AARP, which spoke to 2,000 women — all from diverse backgrounds and ranging in age from 21 to 72 — about everything from changing appearance to representation in the media to how we can shift the narrative around aging. Below, we've broken it all down, highlighting the staggering numbers that show why it's a topic that demands more attention. It's time we fix our view on aging.

Welcome to Life Begins At. Refinery29 is proud to team up with AARP to bring you honest, intimate stories that aim to uncover all the unique experiences that come along with living — no matter your age. It’s time we shed the negative stereotypes, unconscious cultural bias, and misconceptions associated with age and get real about what aging really looks like for us. Because it’s not about how old you are; life begins when you decide to start living it. Have your own story to share about aging? Fill out this form or e mail us at lifebeginsat@refinery29.com

Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?

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