If you thought New York Fashion Week would be immune to the minimalist makeup trends sweeping the industry, well, you'd be wrong. Season after season, designers sent models down the runway "as they were" — save for a tap of concealer and maybe a brush of brow gel. Luckily, that barely-there phase seems to be ending. The latest showcase of fall and winter collections proves that one of the moodiest makeup trends is making a return: the smoky eye.
Smoky eyes aren't new, but they are the antithesis to the naked makeup look we've come to expect at Fashion Week. Even so, the smoky eye you thought you knew (yes, that one you wore every Saturday night in college) is gone. These aren't the heavier iterations that only look good on Instagram bloggers who wear false lashes and own a ring light. No, the smoky eyes seen at shows — like Tibi, LaQuan Smith, and Tom Ford — give nuance to a trend we thought we'd seen a million times before. Even better, most only take one product to complete, so you can spend more time showing off the look than creating it.
Need some inspiration? Ahead, the best smoky eyes to walk the runway at New York Fashion Week.
Too much smoke in a smoky eye can quickly turn anyone into a club rat. Luckily, makeup artist Gucci Westman arrived backstage at Brock Collection to prove a bold and brazen eye can be pretty and badass.
Photo: Imaxtree.
Line the the upper and lower lashline in a creamy gel eyeliner to draw as much attention to the eye as possible. This formula from Chanel is malleable enough to be applied in a precise line or smudged to messy perfection.
Chanel CALLIGRAPHIE DE CHANELLongwear Intense Cream Eyeliner, $35, available at Nordstrom
We never thought a smoky eye could be subtle, but Mark Badgley and James Mischka (of Badgley Mischka) proved us wrong when they sent models down the runway with lids coated in a light wash of gray shadow and, well, that's it.
Photo: Imaxtree.
The key to this look: Finding the right shade of gray to keep the look bold without it appearing too heavy on the eye. Our favorite is the taupe shadow in this Kevyn Aucoin eye palette. Use a fluffy brush to sweep the the solid color across the lid, and you're done.
Kevyn Aucoin The Essential Eye Shadow Set, $58, available at DermStore
Truth be told, Tom Ford always selects a smoky eye to accompany whatever designs he sends down the runway — no matter the season — and his latest iteration includes a game-changer for the trend: mauve eyeshadow.
Photo: Imaxtree.
Swap out your usual palette of matte black and gray shadows for satin browns and blushes to create a softer version of the smoky trend.
Tom Ford Eye Color Quad, $88, available at Sephora
You'd think all our attention would be on the black bobs soaked in white paint on the Jeremy Scott runway this year, but alas, we were entirely focused on the models' painted lids. Inspired by Daryl Hannah’s makeup in 1982’s Blade Runner, the look is certainly not for the faint of heart, but it's still far more diffused than the iconic visage of Hannah's pleasure model, Pris.
Photo: Imaxtree.
Use a fluffier shadow brush to sweep a cream shadow (or potted liner) from one corner of the eye to the next. Focus less on precision and more on covering the lid in as much color as possible — and skip the mascara; this look is even better without it.
MAC Cosmetics Chromaline, $22, available at MAC Cosmetics
LaQuan Smith's fall/winter collection married risqué details with reserved sexiness — and the makeup matched. Thanks to makeup artist Erin Parsons, most of the models walked the runway in this '90s-inspired smoky eye.
Photo: Imaxtree.
For Parsons, the cherry on top of this look is definition. Her technique: Mixing a matte brown shadow with a rosy highlighter to darken the top and bottom lashlines.
Maybelline City Mini Eyeshadow Palettes, $7.99, available at Target
As much as someone might've expected Tory Burch to send plaid trenches, floral dresses, and button-down coats down the fall runway, they could've never guessed the preppy collection would've been paired with a smoky eye. And yet, it works.
Photo: Imaxtree.
Achieve a similar look with just one brown pencil, drawing a heavy line of pigment on the lower lashline before quickly smudging the color from the inner to outer corner. The end result is kind of sleepy but really cool.
MAC Cosmetics Technakohl Liner, $18, available at MAC Cosmetics
The most modern take on the smoky trend came on the Tibi runway, with models rocking a smudged shadow in a mossy green. The winged placement is a less outrageous version of the "thumbprint liner " we saw a year ago.
Photo: Imaxtree.
This hazier hue proves that green eyeshadow is still trending — and makes for the perfect shadow alternative for smoky-eye beginners.
Bobbi Brown Luxe Eyeshadow, $38, available at Nordstrom
Is there a better match for studded leather than a lid coated in eyeliner? Longchamp doesn't think so — and their bedhead version of a smoky eye, created by Pat McGrath, proves there's nothing wrong with a classic.
Photo: Imaxtree.
Remember when you were in the 7th grade, loved My Chemical Romance, and owned about 10 black eyeliners? Well, your inner angsty teenager is back, but this time, she has a fancy eye pencil that reads cool, not misunderstood.
Pat McGrath Permagel Ultra Glide Eye Pencil, $25, available at Sephora
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For as long as I can remember, I've had a soft spot for shoes that most people would call "not beautiful." In the sixth grade, I was the proud wearer of Buffalo platforms (the six-inch kind) and camouflage Dunlop sneakers; in high school I shuffled around in Adidas slides. When it comes to the visual assessment and aesthetic classification of my wardrobe, I almost have a meter-thick protective armor. My sharpest critic is myself, and it probably always will be.
But back to "ugly" sneakers. When I look at Balenciaga's new Triple S', I immediately think of the scene from Crazy, Stupid, Love where Ryan Gosling throws Steve Carell's New Balance 407 over the railing at the mall. Still, I think they would look great with a cool pair of jeans and an oversized sweater. So why do so many people find "ugly" sneakers, well, ugly? Is it the color combinations? The thick, naked soles? The shoe laces or the many seams? I can only guess that it's a healthy combination of all of the above. "Ugly" sneakers are unbalanced, like an oblique image in a perfectly stylized room. They interfere with the overall picture.
Man Repeller went as far as to assert in the analysis of 'Dad Sneakers,' as they are also called, help ground us in times of unrest — and that might just be the reason for their sudden rise. I, however, feel like we are surrounded by so much false perfection that it's time to go back to the basics. I'm at a point now where I prefer something real to all of the selfies, avocados, and minimalist apartments on Instagram. And perhaps that's why these shoes are so appealing.
The pieces from Acne Studios, Stella McCartney, and Balenciaga, among others, remind me of the avant-garde and interrogative movement of Cubism, or the designs of Deconstructivism. I find it exciting when you divide things into their individual parts and think about new forms. And while society may not accept them just yet, I have a feeling we'll get there — eventually. But to help kick things off, here's a few of — in my opinion — the most beautiful presumably "ugly" sneakers of the season — with love from me, to you.
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First introduced in 2013, it would provide workers with up to 12 weeks' partial income, covering up to two-thirds of wages, to care for a new baby, a sick family member, address their own medical issues, or address military caregiving needs. It would be funded by a tax hike of less than $2 a week for most — or, as Sen. Gillibrand put it, "the cost of a cup of coffee a week."
With the Democratic majority in the House, it's expected to pass the House — though the Senate is a different story. "There is very serious momentum," Rep. DeLauro told HuffPost. "We’ve got a new Congress, we’ve got the largest majority of women and young people."
"The FAMILY Act, modeled on successful state programs, is the only paid leave proposal before Congress that is structured to address the needs of working people," Debra Ness, president of the National Partnership for Women & Families, said in a statement provided to Refinery29.
President Trump mentioned paid family leave, which is outlined in his 2019 budget blueprint, in the State of the Union address. First daughter and White House advisor Ivanka Trump has been working on a proposal with Sen. Marco Rubio. FAMILY Act proponents have criticized the Republican plan for falling short; it would only provide six weeks of leave and exclude non-parents.
The U.S. is the only industrialized country without a federal paid leave policy.
We know where senator and 2020 candidate Kirsten Gillibrand stands on the issue: She's one of the original architects of the FAMILY Act, and has promised to make it a high priority of her presidential agenda. Here's what the other top Democratic presidential candidates have said about the policy.
Sen. Kamala Harris:
We need to create an economy that works for everyone, not just the few. It’s time for a national commitment to good-paying jobs, affordable childcare, and paid family leave.
Sen. Elizabeth Warren wrote an op-ed for the Boston Globe in 2016 in which she mentions paid family leave as one of the ways to help working families.
Sen. Amy Klobuchar: "I was able to take family leave when my daughter was born, and she was sick, I didn’t think she was gonna be sick — but she was," she said as part of a paid-leave campaign. "And it made a big difference for us that we had some paid family leave. I think all families should have that."
Sen. Bernie Sanders (who isn't officially running for president, but everyone assumes he is) said on the 2016 campaign trail that he would sign the FAMILY Act into law if he became president. He called the projected cost of under $2 "a very good investment for working families of this country" and a "small and modest" tax increase.
We must end the international embarrassment of being the only major country on earth, the only one, which does not guarantee workers paid medical and family leave, paid sick time and paid vacation time.
No worker should ever have to choose between their health and family, or their job. Let’s make #PaidLeave a reality for all workers, by passing the #FAMILYAct. https://t.co/p4va3xUYzB
Carmine: “Red roses, lovely, romantic. The guy that sends these really knows what he’s doing." Loretta: "The guy who sends those spends a lot of money on something that’s going to end up in the garbage.” - Moonstruck, 1987
I don’t need a “survival guide.” I don’t need Galentine’s Day. I don’t need any consolation prize-inspired spins on a day that is very clearly and obviously centered around something I don’t have: Love. It’s not a secret, nobody’s pulling any pink wool over my eyes here. Guys, it’s Valentine’s Day. It’s okay if it sucks.
As a single woman who has been single for an actual decade, I’m no stranger to the left out feelings that come along with flying solo. And sometimes I mean that literally. Two years ago I went to Puerto Rico with my friend Susan, but apart from that I cannot remember the last time I was on a plane with another person. I do recall, however, that on my last flight not one but two women were stuffing wedding dresses into overhead bins. Anyway...
I don’t need any consolation prize-inspired spins on a day that is very clearly and obviously centered around something I don’t have: Love.
There's no shame in being a little bummed out on Valentine’s Day if you’re single. It’s a completely normal feeling that I think we should be allowed to feel, instead of band-aiding over it with single people versions of things. Call me crazy, I think sadness is a valid emotion and I’m fine felling it a little, rather than dying its hair and changing its clothes and telling it to introduce itself as triumphant at a party.
What even is a holiday? It’s a thing humans invented for a reason we probably don’t know much about anymore. Go read the Valentine’s Day Wikipedia page, it’ll put you to sleep. The day has become, if I’m honest, a day where single people feel left out and coupled people feel pressured. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone, of any status, rave about their plans. Is it really that great? I just think it’s pretending to be and using the seasonal section at Target to make its case. Essentially Valentine’s Day is just February 14 in a bad suit.
Though since it’s actually a date on the calendar, since the sun will rise and set and in between we have shit to do, I thought I’d offer a list of ideas for living Valentine’s Day truly, as a single. Not covering it up, not spinning it, just living life on a day that hasn’t been fun since your friends handed out those strawberry and cream lollipops to the entire class in third grade.
WORK FROM HOME
I work from home every day, but if you can do it as an elective I highly suggest it on Valentine’s Day. We’re all adults here, and it’s not like coupled people genuinely shove any of this Valentine’s Day shit in our faces on purpose — they’re married, not monsters. But it’s an elbow to the stomach every time there’s a flower delivery on Valentine’s Day and you’re 100% positive it’s not for you. And it happens all goddamned day. Work from home people is all I’m sayin.
SEND SNAIL MAIL
I actually send Valentines to other people. My parents, my closest friends, my friend Conor who takes time out of his day to read and praise everything I write even though he couldn't be further from my target market. I’m a big believer in snail mail, always have been. It requires a level of effort that emails never will. I’d compare it to being offered my choice of a beautiful glass of Burgundy wine, or like...a grape. Send people snail mail. Send some love.
AVOID CHOCOLATE
Valentine’s Day is the worst of the seasonal candies, don’t @ me. Actually, @ me, I don’t give a shit. There is nothing enticing to me about a solid piece of chocolate simply because it’s shaped like a heart. I don’t like my sweets to involve taking chances, and those box-of-chocolate situations are calorie roulette and I’m not here for it. There’s also far too much reliance on chocolate itself as a delivery system and the holiday has a color scheme that feels a bit one-note. No thank you Valentine’s Day, keep your sweets, they are the worst. For the record, Easter candy is the best.
STAND-UP COMEDY
I wouldn’t mind seeing some stand-up this Valentine’s Day. It’s my favorite form of entertainment and truly what situation is not improved by laughter? Also something about dark basements and two drink minimums appeals to me on this night. If for some reason you’re unable to leave the house on Valentine’s Day because you have the flu or the temperature is currently less than your age, there are delightful stand-up options available to stream on Netflix and other services. For single women specifically, I recommend Sofia Niño de Rivera, Aparna Nancherla, Michelle Buteau, and Iliza Shlesinger.
FEEL ZERO PRESSURE
What’s that you say? I don’t have to plan or purchase anything, for anyone, out of calendar-inspired obligation? Cool!
I think it’s about time to dig into that Now & Then think piece I’ve had on the back burner, don’t you? I burned a hole in the tape (YES TAPE) because I watched this so much as a kid, and revisiting it as an adult is eye-opening. What is it about female foursomes that make for good storytelling? Why is it assumed that Samantha’s parents’ divorce was responsible for her unsavory personality traits? When do we get a remake with an inclusive cast? I have thoughts and questions.
BATCH DELETE EMAILS
Is anyone’s day improved by the crime against words that is a Valentine’s Day themed subject line? Get out of here! I have no use for stores that sell totally normal things suddenly thinking their inventory makes the perfect V-Day gift. Actually Karen, it’s the same travel adaptor you’ve sold all year. And lets not with people trying to tell me what the “best cities for singles” are. For the record, the best cities for singles are whatever cities they happen to be living in currently. Thank you for attending this lecture.
ETSY DEEP DIVE
If there are no other plans for this day, I’d like to spend it finally organizing my thoughts around delicate gemstone rings, anxiety blankets, and Harry Potter-inspired merch on offer in the bottomless purchase pit. Every time I’m on this site I want everything and nothing.
Do what makes you happy in the moment not because you’re left out of Valentine’s Day, but because you’re included in life.
INDULGE YOURSELF
Eh, fuck it. Order your favorite food. Open the “nice” bottle of wine. Bubble bath it. Rent a movie starring Denzel Washington. Rent a movie starring Denzel Washington’s son, John David Washington, because that’s now an option that’s available to us. (Thank you.) Do what makes you happy in the moment not because you’re left out of Valentine’s Day, but because you’re included in life.
If you don’t like themed menus and a room full of people dining in pairs, eat dinner at home that night. Make a beautiful pasta with chicken sausage and broccoli rabe with lemon zest and parm. Keep watching the new season of Medici on Netflix. Do your bi-weekly sheet mask. Go to bed early and wake up refreshed and ready to be productive the next day. Be a little blue for a moment because you’re not celebrating the day that’s dressed in red. Know that there’s no shame or failure in feeling that way. Know that the feelings of single women on Valentine’s Day are as valid and worthy and allowed to exist much as anyone else’s. At least that’s my plan.
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Orange really is the new black — at least in the world of fashion. As we continue to round up the best of New York Fashion Week street style, we've identified a noteworthy color trend that's impossible to overlook. The city streets are seeing striking shades of orange, and we're totally into it.
Admittedly, this isn't an easy color to pull off. Much like yellow or neon, it requires a lot more styling sensibility than wearing uncomplicated hues of trusty black or simple grays. Of course, there's the risk of looking like you've drawn inspiration from a hazmat suit or you're celebrating Halloween. And it doesn't help that the editors and influencers make wearing orange well seem effortless as they traipse across Manhattan in their Cheeto-colored puffers and burnt-orange beanies. But after careful observation of these sartorial savants, we've compiled a list of styling tips — a guide, if you will — on how to incorporate this daring trend according to those who are getting it right. From starting off small to mixing-and-matching different variants of the shade, we're pretty sure you'll be dressed in orange before the end of the season. Follow the steps ahead to successfully tackle the trend.
At Refinery29, we’re here to help you navigate this overwhelming world of stuff. All of our market picks are independently selected and curated by the editorial team. If you buy something we link to on our site, Refinery29 may earn commission.
The Statement Accessory
Start off small with an orange version of your favorite accessory. We're particularly excited about the sunglasses we've spotted in geometric shapes and colorful, translucent lenses. This bold pop of orange will lighten up the darker colors and prints of an overall outfit.
The Plush Coat
For a next-level take on the teddy coat craze, opt for a cozy jacket or oversized fleece in either a bright or burnt-orange hue. They key to making this piece work is to layer it over warmer tones of brown and grey.
The Puffer
How to wear a puffer look that's more chic than cheese puff? Stay stylish with a sleek pant or skirt styled underneath, letting the jacket take center stage. If you're feeling ready, you can go all-in with a bucket hat and patchwork denim for a total '90s vibe.
The Final Touch
Top off any outfit with an orange hat. Whether you're into beanies or berets, this vibrant accessory can be paired with pretty much any look for an casual but standout upgrade.
The Monochrome Look
If you've mastered everything from the sunnies to the bomber, it's time to put everything together for a monochrome look. The secret is to stick to similar kinds of orange when compiling the different elements of your outfit. While orange is just one color, its shades can vary from persimmon to rust. Carry out the color to your purse, but be sure to have an anchoring neutral (like your shoes).
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When our hair is in a dry, frizzy state of emergency, the only prescription that will work is maximum moisture — fast. That's when we turn to at-home treatments: a deep conditioning mask, a hydrating pre-shampoo remedy, or a hot oil treatment (yes, like the ones your mom did when you were a kid).
You may remember those tiny plastic vials of liquid from your mother's beauty stash. Usually, the treatment consisted of warming up the oil of your choice, completely saturating your hair with it, and spending a few minutes sitting under the hairdryer. The theory: Heat helps the oil penetrate the hair shaft better, giving dry hair a quick infusion of moisture.
"Technically, steam causes cuticle swelling, and whatever is applied to the hair during the time the cuticle is swollen can absorb into the shaft," Yolanda Lenzy, MD, of Lenzy Dermatology in Massachusetts, tells Refinery29. Hence, why some believe that adding heat to your hair while it's drenched in oil or applying heated oil will allow it to better penetrate. But that isn't always the case.
"Whether or not oil actually absorbs depends on the molecular weight of the oil," Lenzy says. In a study published in the International Journal Of Trichology, researchers compared the molecular weight of coconut, sunflower, and mineral oils. They found that coconut oil has a low weight, which allows it to penetrate the hair shaft. But others, like sunflower and mineral, latch to the surface of the cuticle, which could leave the hair with an extra-greasy feeling even after you shampoo.
According to celebrity stylist Ursula Stephen, this is one reason that hot oil treatments aren't a hot commodity in her salon. "Hot oil treatments are supposed to infuse oil into the hair," says "But it isn't in high demand like before because, sometimes, it can make your hair feel too oily."
While Lenzy explains that there isn't anything wrong with treating your hair with oil before you shampoo, there are a few precautions to take. First, she says it's not a good idea to heat up the oil before application, since that could cause burns. Instead, apply the oil and then add heat. And when you shampoo, make sure all the oil is removed — that way you get slip and shine, minus the extra-greasy feeling.
Lenzy also explains that there are some hair types that should avoid oil treatments altogether. If you're struggling with an itchy, flaky scalp, oil can potentially worsen your condition. "Generally, flaking is caused by yeast on the scalp and putting oil on the scalp is like providing food for the yeast," Lenzy explains. "So initially, oil can make it look like flakes are gone, but they come back soon after and can be way worse."
To give your hair the benefits of shine, hydration, and manageability, Lenzy recommends reaching for a conditioning treatment that is water-based over a hot-oil treatment. "Water hydrates, so if your hair is dry a water-based conditioning treatment will deliver optimal moisture," says Lenzy. "Overall, oil works best as a finisher in your hair-care routine to smooth the cuticle."
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Last week, Gucci apologized for a black sweater that, worn together with a matching balaclava, would give the appearance of Blackface. After an outcry, the products were removed from the website and stores. Following a public apology from the brand and an internal company memo, Creative Director Alessandro Michele has now broken his silence about the incident to his Gucci colleagues.
"It's important for me to let you know that the jumper actually had very specific references, completely different from what was ascribed instead," Michele writes to his colleagues in a memo shared on Fashionista. "It was a tribute to Leigh Bowery, to his camouflage art, to his ability to challenge the bourgeois conventions and conformism, to his eccentricity as a performer, to his extraordinary vocation to masquerade meant as a hymn to freedom.
"The fact that, contrarily to my intentions, that turtle-neck jumper evoked a racist imagery causes me the greatest grief," he continues. "But I am aware that sometimes our actions can end up with causing unintentional effects. It is therefore necessary taking full accountability for these effects."
The designer concludes his letter, writing: "I really shelter the suffer of all I have offended. And I am heartfully sorry for this hurt. I hope I can rely on the understanding of those who know me and can acknowledge the constant tension towards the celebration of diversity that has always shaped my work. This is the only celebration I'm willing to stand for."
Gucci CEO Marco Bizzarri addressed the matter to employees in a separate memo earlier this week. "We made a mistake. A big one," he said. "Because of cultural ignorance, but ignorance is not an excuse. And we accept responsibility for this mistake. Yet there is no way of thinking nor believing that this could have ever been intentional."
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If you watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, you know that Lisa Rinna is always one step ahead of the wellness trends. And on the RHOBH premiere that aired last night, she experimented with a very Instagram-famous workout: goat yoga.
Rinna and her daughters, Delilah and Amelia, went to a goat yoga class as a way to spend more time together. As they move through yoga poses, the goats gently climb on top of their backs and underneath their legs. There were a lot of giggles throughout, and viewers on Twitter said they were in tears watching the family flow amidst farm animals.
Unlike some of the other wellness fads that Rinna has historically gravitated to — remember the vitamin IV drips a few seasons back, or her "bag of pills "? — goat yoga is surprisingly not as gimmicky as it seems. Goat yoga first became a thing in 2016, when someone named Lainey Morse held a goat yoga class hosted by Heather Davis in Oregon, and photos went viral on social media. Goats might feel incredibly random to have in a Zen setting, but they’re actually very mindful creatures.
According to Morse’s website, goat yoga is a form of animal-assisted therapy. In studies, interacting with therapy animals has been shown to boost feel-good neurotransmitters and lower cortisol levels. In a yoga class, the goats are left free to interact with yoga practicers, which essentially serves as a happy distraction that allows you to take your mind off whatever is stressing you out. The goats are also just really cute, cuddly, and won’t bite or head-butt you — but they may nibble and poop.
Although goat yoga has taken off on Instagram and reality TV, Morse said on her website that "the focus of this class is not just to take pictures for Instagram," the goal is to combine nature, goats, and yoga to de-stress. If you’re a Rinna stan, or just want to experience goat yoga yourself, you can search for an official goat yoga practitioner in your area. Who knows? If there are goats available in Beverly Hills, there are likely some where you live, too.
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Welcome toMoney Diaries, where we're tackling what might be the last taboo facing modern working women: money. We're asking millennials how they spend their hard-earned money during a seven-day period — and we're tracking every last dollar.
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Leading up to Valentine's Day, we're talking about relationships and money. Today, we're excited to share the Money Diary of a couple living in Washington, D.C. S. is a protocol monitor working in cancer research and making $72,000, and her boyfriend, T., is an accountant making $74,000. This week, S. spends some of her money on candy to keep at her office.
S.:
Occupation: Protocol Monitor Industry: Cancer Research (I love my job, and I get to travel abroad a few times a year on the government’s dime.) Age: 26 Location: Washington, D.C. Salary: $72,000 Paycheck Amount (Monthly): $3,900
Monthly Expenses Housing: $0 (Thanks to my Hispanic culture, which encourages me to live with family until marriage.) Student Loans: $330 (I pay $530/month instead, though, and have made a good dent in the past two years toward my grad-school payment.) Car Note: $0 (This was a Christmas gift from my dad!) Cell Phone: $80 Gym Membership: $30 Parking Garage: $20 Amazon Music: $8 ICloud Storage: $1 Health, Vision & Dental Insurance: $230 (Affordable healthcare is not affordable.) Retirement: $210 Charitable Contribution: $160 Savings: $100 Joint Savings With T.: $100 (We just started this past month.)
Annual Expenses Car Insurance: $1,280 Amazon Prime: $120
T.:
Occupation: Accountant Industry: Public Accounting Age: 35 Location: Maryland (D.C. Metro) Salary: $74,000 Military Retirement: $9,600 (Proud U.S. Army veteran) Paycheck Amount (Monthly): $4,000
Monthly Expenses Mortgage: $1,628 Student Loans: $0 (Thank you, G.I. Bill.) Health & Dental Insurance: $48 Electricity: $130 Water & Sewage: $25 Cell Phone: $74 Gym: $30 Parking Garage: $45 Car Note: $489 (My vehicle and my father's.) Legal Services: $24 HSA: $25 (My work also matches this.) Retirement: $602 (between my 401(k) and Roth IRAs) Charitable Contribution: $50 Savings: $75 Joint Savings With S.: $150
Annual Expenses Car Insurance: $1,735 Netflix: $0 (Thanks to my brother.)
In a sentence or two, please explain your couples spending philosophy.
S.: I read a Money Diary where the OP and her BF had a joint checking account that they used for their date nights out, and I thought it was a great idea, so I asked my man friend if we could try that. We recently opened a joint account and are using it as a savings account for a second vacation together. I wouldn’t describe either of us as frugal — we both like to spend money on activities and memories with others, rather than spend money on labels. Neither of us spends money we don’t have, and we do not carry commercial debt. We've been dating for five months.
T.: Between the two of us, I wouldn’t consider either of us frugal, but neither of us lives above our means. S. is always looking for sales (though sometimes I'm wary of what she means by "sale"). Our personal finances are separate, though we recently opened a joint checking account dedicated to future adventures together.
Day One (S.)
7 a.m. — Happy Friyay. Today is going to be a long day, so I take my time getting ready this a.m. to make sure I’m prepared for it all. I watch Sex and the City reruns as I get ready in the mornings. I keep wondering what character I am most like in SATC, and will remember to ask my friends later.
8:30 a.m. — On my way out, I pack two frozen meals: lunch and dinner. Breakfast to go is Nutella on toast for my short commute to work (25 to 30 minutes). I grew up in the D.C. Metro region, where the average commute time is 45+ minutes, so I consider my commute very good.
10 a.m. — I treat myself to a free cup of coffee at work while I read up on government-shutdown updates.
12 p.m. — I enjoy the Orange Chicken Lean Cuisine I brought in from home while I purchase a duplicate car title online. My dad gifted me a new car for Christmas, so I need to give him the title of my old car in exchange. $20
2 p.m. — Free popcorn at work!
5 p.m. — Heat up my frozen dinner, since I’m heading to volunteer after work. I volunteer Friday nights at my local parish, where I mentor high schoolers.
9:30 p.m. — After volunteering, I head over to a bar on the way home for a friend's birthday (old fling from Bumble, better off as friends). I stay for a drink and run into a couple people from high school and work. The total comes out to $25 after a drink and parking. $25
Daily Total: $45
Day One (T.)
9 a.m. — In order to get the fuel I need to make it through my first day back from vacation, I stop by Dunkin' Donuts for a coffee (and a doughnut, but do not tell my Woman Friend, as she doesn’t encourage sweets in the morning). $4
12:45 p.m. — Not feeling great, so I go to the café on the first floor of my building to pick up some soup (chicken and rice), which hits the spot, and a sandwich. $11
3 p.m. — I have a hankering for something sweet, so I “borrow” some sweets from one of my officemates.
11 p.m. — Still not feeling very well, but I know I should eat something. I scavenge through my pantry and find some ravioli that really does the trick. Then I take some NyQuil, my curtain call.
Daily Total: $15
Day Two (S.)
10 a.m. — I sleep in, "forget" to go to the gym, and make myself an egg sandwich this morning. I first do some arts and crafts, and I then pack clothes for the weekend in case I get snowed in tonight at T.'s house. I buy a hair brush on Amazon to keep at his house. We're expecting our first snow fall in the DMV region tonight. $8
1:30 p.m. — Sleeping in didn’t take away my drowsiness, so I stop by Starbucks on my way to T.’s house, where I get two drinks and a snack ($12). I regret taking the toll route to his house, but I was just too lazy to make a difficult U-turn to take the non-toll route. My E-ZPass account automatically transfers $25 whenever it hits below $10, so this toll triggered an auto payment ($25). $37
3:15 p.m. — T. and I go to "Adult Toys R Us," meaning the beer and wine store, to pick up gifts for his dad and aunt’s birthday dinner. T. is a very generous gift-giver. I buy myself a bottle of Montepulciano in preparation to be snowed in tomorrow. $25
6 p.m. — I enjoy a great dinner with T.'s family, and the snow starts! It looks so beautiful! T.’s step-monster (he loves her) sends him home with a tray of lasagna.
9 p.m. — We head to the grocery store and prepare to get snowed in for a day or two. The only thing T. and I always split 50-50 is groceries. I cook our breakfasts/lunches for the week. I Venmo him my half. $45
12 a.m. and 2 a.m. — Sex.
Daily Total: $115
Day Two (T.)
12 p.m. — I sleep in. That NyQuil hit me a lot harder than I expected. I get up and have a delicious breakfast of one strawberry (you read that correctly) and start to get ready for my day.
2 p.m. — My saving grace, S., brings me coffee — the caffeine I need to get this day started.
3 p.m. — At the beer and wine store, I get my dad a bottle of Glenlivet 18 (one of my favorite reasonably priced Scotches) and my aunt a bottle of Prince of Hearts Red Napa 2013 (S.'s choice — I think she really liked the bottle). Crossing my fingers, I hope they like them. $163
6 p.m. — Had an amazing time with family and S. My dad really liked the Scotch. My step-monster sends us home with lasagna.
9 p.m. — We head to the grocery store. I want to get ingredients to make my queso dip, but due to the weather, I think everyone got scared and purchased all of the ground beef. S. and I meal prep each week for a couple of our breakfasts and lunches in order to save money. $51
12 a.m. and 2 a.m. — I wasn’t going to put this in here, but S. told me she was, so apparently, I twitched in my sleep and I was “erected” up by my S. That’s definitely the best way to wake up, in my opinion.
Daily Total: $214
Day Three (S.)
11 a.m. — I sleep in and go look out the window — seven inches! It’s a nice, fluffy white snow. I make hot chocolate and eggs while T. shovels out our cars and the sidewalk.
12 p.m. — I warm up T. from shoveling outside with a quickie.
3 p.m. — I meal prep for the week: egg cups for breakfast and beef stew for lunch.
6 p.m. — It started snowing again! I was planning on going back home after cooking, but the roads started looking bad again with the new snow, so I am going to stay another night. Celebratory sex.
11 p.m. — After a perfect snow day in, I retreat to bed, since I have to work from home tomorrow. And sex.
Daily Total: $0
Day Three (T.)
10 a.m. — It sure did snow last night. I take my dog out, and she has to hop around looking for a place to do her business. I get all bundled up and clear the walkways and our cars.
12 p.m. — I finish clearing the sidewalks and deck of snow, and I am welcomed back in with some much-appreciated adult time…and hot chocolate.
2 p.m. — My little brother gets in touch with me and asks to borrow $80. I initially tell him no, but after he calls back and asks again about a half hour later, I reluctantly agree. This isn’t the first time he’s borrowed money, and I’m sure this won’t be the last time he asks. He shows up about an hour later and I proceed to first give him $10 in rolled-up change that I’ve had for the past couple years, as a test to see if he really needs the money. I do not expect it back. $80
6 p.m. — After S. finishes meal prepping for the week, she contemplates driving home. Sure, I think she would be all right driving home, but why tempt fate? It starts to snow again. So I recommend she stays for another night. She does, and you can imagine what happens next.
Daily Total: $80
Day Four (S.)
7:30 a.m. — Cuddle with T. a bit before getting ready for a conference call. I’ll be working from his home today while he heads to the office later to meet with clients. I heat up egg muffins I made for the week.
1 p.m. — I heat up the beef stew I meal prepped. So yummy and warm on this snowy Monday. I decide to bake brownies to surprise T. when he comes home.
4 p.m. — I decide to head home before traffic, although there really hasn’t been traffic the past couple weeks, since the government is shut down.
6 p.m. — I am prepping for the National Women’s Half Marathon (in support of women’s heart health!) in May, so I bring myself to the gym for Zumba and a jog.
8 p.m. — I eat delicious leftover lasagna for din-din.
Daily Total: $0
Day Four (T.)
7:30 a.m. — I wake up with a beautiful woman next to me. I head outside and to my surprise, all the snow I thought I shoveled yesterday is back. I grab my shovel again.
10 a.m. — I head to work and stop by to pick up my daily dose of caffeine, no doughnut this time, as S. heats me up some of the eggs she meal prepped on Sunday. $2
1 p.m. — I have the lasagna my step-monster made for us this weekend for lunch. I love next-day lasagna, as it gives the layers time to melt together.
6 p.m. — I make it home, and to my amazement, S. has straightened up the house and made brownies. I’m a lucky man!
Daily Total: $2
Day Five (S.)
8:30 a.m. – As I get ready for the day, I realize I am low on toothpaste, so I buy a three-pack from Amazon. I eat the last of the egg quiche I prepped for the week on my way to work. $12
12 p.m. — I sit down with my work husband for lunch, and he brought in beef stew from home just like me!
4:30 p.m. — I will be working late today, so I walk over to Walgreens across the street to stock up on snacks for my office. I pick up gummy bears and Reese's Pieces. $12
7:30 p.m. — I eat the last beef stew meal I prepped for the week. I often run into this problem where I don't cook enough breakfasts, lunches, and dinners to last the whole week. I don’t enjoy cooking, so I only tend to do it once a week.
8 p.m. — I show my mom how to use and navigate Venmo. I send her a dollar as a test. $1
Daily Total: $25
Day Five (T.)
9:30 a.m. — I head to work without my dose of caffeine. Not sure how this day is going to go.
11 a.m. — Free work lunch — Beef Bangkok from a Thai restaurant. So good.
1 p.m. — My car is in need of its own liquid beverage, so I look on my gas app to find the best deal for gas. $35
2 p.m. — My television is partially under warranty and has been acting up, so I call to get it serviced. $269
9 p.m. — I arrive at pool (billiards) league, and the coach informs me that I will be playing tonight. (It's $8 a night.) Just before he leaves, he asks me if I paid my annual dues, to which I reply: "What annual dues?" We have to pay $20 annual fees in order to play in our division. I'm really not a fan of annual fees, but I pay up. $28
Daily Total: $332
Day Six (S.)
6:30 a.m. — T. is super supportive of my half-marathon training, so he encourages me to go to the gym in the morning before work so he and I can hang out tonight. I am heading to NYC in two days for a girls’ trip, so I won't see him again until next week.
10 a.m. — I buy a bagel from work, since I didn’t meal prep enough breakfasts. $2
12 p.m. — I buy myself lunch from a place outside my office building. $7
1 p.m. — I finished the six seasons of Sex and the City, so I rent the movie to watch throughout the day! $4
2 p.m. — I make a $10 donation to a disabled fellow church member — his car was recently stolen and totaled, so there's a GoFundMe page raising money to purchase and modify a new car. $10
7 p.m. — T. picks me up from work and we head to dinner and trivia down the street. Neither of us is very good, but I sure do enjoy his company. Dinner, drinks, dessert, and tip. $62
9 p.m. — I make an undisclosed loan to a friend affected by the government shutdown. They will repay me whenever possible after the government is back open for business, hence why I'm not including it as an expense. Cardi B said it best: “I really feel bad for these people that gotta go to f***ing work to not get motherf***ing paid.”
Daily Total: $85
Day Six (T.)
7 a.m. — Traffic is crazy this morning and I’m running late for a meeting, so I must forgo my dose of caffeine again. I did have some eggs, which were meal prepped on Sunday before I left, which I am really thankful for.
1 p.m. — I have beef stew, which was meal prepped on Sunday. It's really good and hits the spot.
6 p.m. — Pick up S. from work and we head to dinner and trivia down the street. We try and miss placing in last place by one point. It's a lovely evening. S. foots the bill and I pay for the parking. $4
Daily Total: $4
Day Seven (S.)
8:30 a.m. — I seriously need to either meal prep for longer days or consider cooking twice a week. Breakfast. $5
12:30 p.m. — Lunch with work husband. I buy a salad. $12
1 p.m. — I'm supposed to go to a happy hour after work today, but it might snow and I still have to pack for NYC, so I contemplate skipping happy hour. By the way — I asked my friends what character I most resemble (personality-wise) in Sex and the City, and the results were Miranda. I guess she has it all: husband, kid, house, and a career she loves.
6 p.m. — I skip out on happy hour and go home instead. It started to snow again, so I pick up dinner on the way. $10
8 p.m. — I start watching You on Netflix while I pack and clean up around the house.
Daily Total: $27
Day Seven (T.)
7:45 a.m. — Wake up to a phone call from S. I think there must be something wrong, but she just called to say "hi." This is the first time this has happened, and it puts a huge smile on my face.
9 a.m. — Time for that daily dose of caffeine. Debating getting a doughnut but elect to get egg wrapped in tortilla instead. (I think S. is rubbing off on me.) $4
12 p.m. — All the meal prep is gone, so turkey wrap it is. $8
7 p.m. — I realize that there is still a piece of lasagna left in the fridge. I know what’s for dinner!
Daily Total: $12
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It's nearly Valentine's Day, which means it's time for Refinery29's annual pop culture love notes. These are so much more than your average Valentine's Day cards. These are inspired by the best movies, songs, and TV shows of the year — and unlike most of the cheesy cards lining the shelves of your local Hallmark, you won't find cards like these anywhere else.
It's easy to see how Victoria Beckham — in her perfectly tailored, sage cashmere turtleneck tucked into a patent leather midi-skirt and topped with oversized tortoiseshell sunnies — has sold herself as a luxe fashion brand. But the former Spice Girl surprised us all last year when she collaborated with Shaq and Reebok on a line of chill gym sneakers, showing us that she has a more relatable, not-so-posh side. And in 2019, Beckham is branching out again by translating her label from rich women's closets into bathroom vanities everywhere.
According to Beckham's most recent Instagram post — a mirror selfie video that is low budget, yet inherently highbrow in aesthetic — the VB brand is soon to launch into all things beauty: skin care (which she's teased before), makeup, fragrance, and wellness (because, why not?).
"So excited to announce that I will be launching Victoria Beckham Beauty later this year," Beckham captioned her Instagram post, with her new hashtag, #VBBeauty, etched across the mirror in nude lipstick.
Though Beckham has yet to release a full product line (or any inkling of what it will cost), Beckham told BritishVogue that the brand will be comprised of curated beauty essentials with recommendations from a variety of women.
“I want to take care of women inside and out, providing them with the must-have items in makeup, skin care, fragrance, and wellness that I feel I need in my own life,” Beckham said in a statement to the outlet. “Just like I spend so much time in the fitting room getting to know what my customers want to wear, I’m going to be asking women to tell me which products they want me to develop for them in the beauty and wellness arenas. It’s important for me to know what they want.”
BritishVogue says Victoria Beckham Beauty will officially launch in late 2019. So, while it seems the beauty brand is still in its beta phase, you can leave a comment on the Instagram announcement telling VB what you want — what you really, really want.
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Seen in the wild, a good, imaginative outfit has the power to stop you in your tracks. It has the potential not simply to inspire, but to flip any observer’s style identity on its head. It leaves you wondering why you ever wrote off giant blanket scarves and trench coats, loud flare pants with chunky dad sneakers, hot pink polos and long sleeves, brightly colored tights with anything and everything. Insert Fashion Month, the biggest, brightest Good Outfit canvas there is, where designers, buyers, editors, stylists, reporters, celebrities and, yes, influencers gather in and around the tents, studios, warehouses and other makeshift showrooms to check out the collections — and we’re checking them out, too. A runway’s great and all, but a lot of the magic happens on the concrete sidewalks of New York City, where our fashion compatriots are catching a cab, checking their phones or sipping a coffee in between shows.
The first few days of New York Fashion Week were unseasonably warm, enabling the crowd to lighten up on the layering and prematurely dress for spring. And, lucky for us, it's a sneak peek not only into the trends everyone is about to be wearing in the coming months, but how we'll be wearing them as well. (Note: It got seasonably cold and blustery again by the weekend — nothing intrepid style warriors can't handle!)
Click through for street style inspiration that will get you through the last leg of winter courtesy of New York Fashion Week.
#1 best way to avoid snow and sleet in our eyes: a brimmed hat and your phone.
Photo: Asia Typek
From the safari into the tundra.
Photo: Asia Typek
Unwilling to let the weather dampen a bright outfit. She takes fashion risks!
Photo: Asia Typek
The suits are still going strong, even in the midst of a light blizzard.
Photo: Asia Typek
Important question: Are trapper hats making a comeback?
At one of the loneliest points in my life, I joined a friend and her daughter for a week’s break in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.
"You said you were lonely," she said when she called to invite me. "Come spend time with us."
Earlier that year, I’d experienced the triple whammy of dislocation, loss and rejection: I moved to a new city, separated from my husband, and my youngest child left for university. It tumbled me deep into a well of loneliness that I couldn’t climb out of.
The minute the plane touched down in the clear sunlight of Mexico, I knew it was a mistake. My mental state was as disrupted as the train line that had taken me to the airport, as grey as the leaden sky over Gatwick the day we left.
I lay awake all night, impervious to the charms of the pretty casita we were staying in. At dawn I stumbled to the beachside restaurant in search of a cup of tea and to plan my escape. The sand was pristine and white, the sea azure; swathes of bougainvillea framed the view and the smell of gardenias filled the air. I felt as if the air were being sucked out of my lungs. The restaurant was completely deserted except for one other woman sitting alone. Her eyes flicked towards me, red, as if she’d been crying. I turned away and took a seat as far away from her as I could.
We must have sat there for 15 minutes, the two of us, silently, apart, alone. I barely registered the roll of the waves above the whoosh of negative voices in my head. Then just beyond the breakers, there was a tiny ripple and a huge whale breached the sea not 30 metres from where we were sitting. Magnificent, powerful, majestic, awesome – and then it was gone.
"Was that real?" I turned to the woman, breathlessly seeking confirmation.
She nodded. "It must have been there all the time and we didn’t know. Well, I guess no one can take that image away from us."
Once you start losing things, it’s easy to imagine that you’ll get used to losing the rest. Maybe that’s why we think older people learn to deal with loneliness more quickly than the young – because they’ve already lost homes, friends, wives, husbands, even their minds. We think they have less to look forward to.
Studies suggest that children and adults feel equally strong emotions but adults have had a lifetime to learn to regulate the experience and expression of those emotions. They have had more time to learn which strategies work for them, and in what context. Yet the actual feelings are the same, no matter your age. There is always grief at the loss of those things that tie you to who you think you are – your beloved dog, your best friend who moves away to a new school, your children, your spouse. That grief is yours to bear alone.
The Red Cross says that there are over 9 million people who feel lonely in the UK – a fifth of the population. Sixty-three percent of widowers, and 51% of the same age group who are divorced or separated, say they feel lonely. In statistical terms, there is a loneliness 'epidemic'. A disease that increases the risk of mortality by 26%, loneliness is also responsible for a 64% increase in the likelihood of developing clinical depression, and is predictive of suicide.
Loneliness can strike at different times in life and it can strike any one of us. You don’t even need to be alone to feel lonely. Some of the loneliest times can be when you are in a crowd of people and wish you weren’t, or in a double bed with someone, knowing you are no longer loved.
I had seen a therapist when I was considering moving out of my marital home, unwilling to turn off the life support on our relationship because I couldn’t face the idea of living alone.
"But you are lonelier now than you will be on your own," my therapist kept assuring me.
Being alone is a mind game that you have to play with yourself. It requires tenacity and strength to believe that you are not going to disappear, that people will remember you, that someone will come looking for you before your face is eaten by cats. That’s why I keep a dog; needy and companionable, she reminds me that I am loved.
On my own, after a time, I learned that the things that rooted me and tied me to that life before could be pruned back so that healthy new shoots could grow. I learned that being alone could be creatively fulfilling. I learned how to get back in touch with myself; about the joy of shutting the curtains and locking the latch and knowing that no one could come into my space unless I invited them. I had my own super secret clubhouse. But loneliness should never be confused with the desire to be alone. When my children were small, I would fantasise about a whole day on my own. Sometimes I would lock myself in the toilet just to read the next chapter in my book. Being alone was a guilty pleasure, a moment to replenish myself because I had so many little people asking questions, touching me, wanting too much.
It can also be hard for other people to understand that you can feel loneliness and grief for things that you’ve never actually had: the never-born children, the relationship that never was, the missed opportunities, the life you wanted but weren’t brave or lucky enough to have. The lack of these things is real and hurts a lot.
We are programmed to send and receive; to make bonds. There is a reason society uses ostracism and withdrawal as the penalty for wrongdoing. No one flourishes in solitary confinement.
And the whale? I tried to research what type I’d seen but got distracted by an academic argument about a certain species called the '52 hertz whale', dubbed the 'loneliest animal in the world'. This whale sings its unique song at a higher frequency than its peers – 52 hertz, equivalent to the second lowest note on a tuba, they say. They see no irony in using an orchestral group metaphor to describe this solitary creature. It sings but is never heard by fellow whales, they say. Other scientists claim that 52 can be heard, that the other whales aren’t deaf. No one has considered whether the other whales simply aren’t listening or whether 52 just wants time on its own.
I’ll never know if the whale that I saw in Mexico was the mythical 52. I didn’t hear it sing and even if it had, I wouldn’t have understood its song. But I did see it; it was there, and then it was gone. After that I had a small connection with this other lonely, sad woman, although we didn’t drink tea together as we might have done in the movie version of that moment. We spoke and then we both went about our day. Yet I felt refreshed by seeing something bigger than myself and my life and by having shared that moment with someone else. It was a turning point. Maybe it snapped me back to myself. On the way back to my room, I noticed how carefully someone had trimmed the grass. I breathed in the scent of the gardenias. It was beautiful. At the casita, my friend was awake; we ordered coffee and talked about this and that and the whale, and we laughed.
Below are some suggestions of techniques used by women I know to curb the loneliness in their lives after a traumatic event, including the death of a spouse.
1. Get up and get out
Regardless of weather, mood or anything else, get up and go outside. Being outside shakes your brain and gets you through that particular moment when it all feels too much. Don't try to get past or get over the 'bigger issue', just celebrate the fact that you got through that one moment. It is a war and you have to win a series of tiny victories. Celebrate each of them.
2. Life moves forward, so move with it
This is hard. Life moves in one direction and if you don't keep in step you’ll be moving backwards and that's not going to help. One step every day. Just one is all you need.
3. Accept that others won't understand
They don't and they won't so get over it and accept the fact that no one has a clue how sad and lonely you are. It's okay to be lonely. People who have a similar experience may have some useful ideas but this is your journey, not theirs.
4. Volunteer
Reach out to others to help them. It will make you feel a new and powerful connection.
5. Be grateful
This is actually the single most important thing you can do to feel less lonely. Give thanks for your home, your job, your friends, your family and your health.
Then, just wait. After a certain period of time, you won’t feel lonely all the time.
Piece of cake.
If you're struggling with feelings of depression or anxiety, don't stay quiet. Reach out to your GP or alternatively contactmental health charity Mindon 0300 123 3393.
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Brian Peters was planning on asking his daughter, Amber Evans, to accompany him to Natalie's, a pizza and live music joint in Columbus, OH to watch a friend play. Though the two hadn't seen each other in a bit, they would talk and text frequently, and had plans to get together soon. But no one, including Peters, has seen or heard from Evans, 28, since January 28.
"I don't have any updates," Peters told Refinery29 in an interview on Tuesday. "At this point, she just vanished from downtown. I am not one to speculate but things just don't add up."
Evans, who works as a director at the Juvenile Justice Coalition and does activism work with organizations like March for Our Lives, was reported missing after an alleged dispute with her boyfriend. She sent a text to her mother, Tonya Fischer, that read, "I love you and I'm sorry." Her car was found near the Scioto River.
Like Fischer, Peters doesn't believe his daughter was suicidal. "I have a real hard time believing that she was suicidal or severely depressed but, who knows? Maybe she hid it well. ... I know always dealing with negative situations and constantly fighting for something can take its toll," Peters said. The Columbus Police Department had to postpone a search of the river due to rising waters; it is unclear when it will resume.
Evans being listed as a "distraught high risk" missing person and the mention of a dispute with her boyfriend has led to confusion, according to Peters. "So many people took domestic dispute to [mean] domestic violence. A dispute could be nothing more than a conversation," he said. "I have no intention of saying anything more than what the police have at this point. But I don't have any evidence that there was or wasn't a big dispute. I think it leads to speculation." (Refinery29 has reached out to the Columbus Police Department.)
"To know her is to love her and I just want her home," Peters said. "She is strong, always willing to fight for those who can't fight for themselves. I just want the world to know how amazing she is. I love that girl."
Evans is described as a 5'5" light-skinned Black female, with brown hair and eyes. She was last seen wearing a white parka with black leggings. Anyone with information is asked to contact the Columbus Police Department's Special Victims Bureau at 614-645-4624 or 614-645-4545.
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Whatever you have planned for Valentine's Day, it never hurts to have a couple sensuous songs up your sleeve. You might need some background music for a candlelit dinner, or a sultry playlist at the ready in case things between you and your date start to heat up. If you're still stumped as to which songs to choose, you're in luck because Spotify has rounded up its top 10 most popular songs for sex and dates.
Our very own bad girl Rihanna shot to the top of the sex playlist with, appropriately, "Sex With Me." Meanwhile, Jeremih scored two spots with "Birthday Sex," which came in second, and "All The Time." As much as we love RiRi and Jeremih, nothing made us happier than when we saw that Ginuwine's "Pony," one of our personal favorites, made the list.
Of course, if you're already good to go with your sexy playlist, maybe your date playlist still needs some refining. Ed Sheeran and Jason Mraz make multiple appearances on Spotify's list of top date songs, with "Thinking Out Loud" and "Photograph," and "I'm Yours" and "I Won't Give Up," respectively.
In an unexpected turn, The Weeknd's "Earned It" graces the sex list and the date list. Get you a man who can do both.
There's still time to finalize the soundtrack to your V-Day. Check out both of Spotify's playlists below.
While we're arguably more in control of and confident about our sexuality than ever, there's still so much we don't know about female arousal. So this month, we're exploring everything you want and need to know about how women get turned on now. Check out more here.
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Everyone remembers the ‘80s differently. Some think Madonna, white-lace hair accessories, and perms, while others see Kangol and Jheri curls. But for designing duo Phillipe and David Blond of The Blonds, the indulgent decade is defined by one memory — specifically, one movie: Scarface. When the 1983 film starring Al Pacino as Cuban refugee-turned-drug kingpin Tony Montana premiered, it skyrocketed to the zeitgeist for its unprecedented levels of violence and drug use — and for the decadent lives of Montana and his wife Elvira Hancock (Michelle Pfeiffer).
Most well-adjusted people wouldn't want to switch places with either of the film's protagonists, but even legendary movie critic Roger Ebert felt compelled to point out that the appeal of their extravagant, devastatingly rich lives was hard to deny. "Wouldn't we all like to be rich and powerful, have desirable sex partners, live in a mansion, be catered to by faithful servants — and hardly have to work?" Ebert wrote. Nearly 40 years later, The Blonds are asking a similar question: What if we didn't want less? What if we wanted more... of everything?
In stark contrast to the growing minimalist trend, The Blonds didn't restrict the drama to the clothes in their latest fall collection: They wanted to extend the retro theme to the fingertips, too. So they enlisted CND's design team, led by Style Director Jan Arnold, to bring their animal-printed, jewel-toned, frosted mood boards to life in lavish nail art. They delivered, with claw-like nail shapes, neon coats of polish, and veils of crystals (that pay homage to Hancock's famous habits, if you know what we mean). Ahead, an exclusive look at the CND nail creations for The Blonds' Autumn/Winter 2019 collection.
Inspired by the maximalist lifestyles and spending habits of the '80s, The Blonds created a mood board covered in the decade's biggest influences, like Debbie Harry dressed in leopard print bodysuits, Grace Jones painted in emerald green eyeshadow, and Hancock covered in diamonds so expensive, they came along with a locked safe as a companion piece.
Photographed by Patrick MacLeod.
CND created a full gilded collection of nails, cured with gold beads and chains to match the bedazzled bustiers most of the models (and some celebrity guests, like Karrueche Tran and the Clermont Twins) wore down the runway.
Photographed by Patrick MacLeod.
CND lead artist Heather Reynosa tells Refinery29 that the goal was to find a way to highlight jewelry in the most decadent way. If you're familiar with the brand's work with The Blonds, you'd know sparkle and shine is their speciality — but even so, this year's chrome fingertips, stacked high in crystals and gold-painted stones, brought new meaning to dripping in luxury.
Photographed by Patrick MacLeod.
It may not be real gold, but from the sidelines of the runway, it sure looked like it.
Photographed by Patrick MacLeod.
"Gold and emerald [are] a big thing for The Blonds," Winnie Huang, nail artist and CND brand ambassador, tells Refinery29. "It's lots of crystals cascading down, and hand-dyed colors." In other words, there's no going back to your low-key nudes after this.
Photographed by Patrick MacLeod.
You don't have to insult PETA to get on this new nail art trend: animal print — in this case, tiger. To up the ante, CND nail artist Tracey Lee added black-painted claws to the end of each tip.
Photographed by Patrick MacLeod.
It's no diamond ring, but special guests backstage received gold-painted rings decorated with rolled $100 bills. Montana would approve.
Photographed by Patrick MacLeod.
The French manicure is back — but not the way you'd think. "The French manicure was very important in the '80s, harkening back to the materialistic excess of the time," Arnold says. "We're seeing a return to that. Once you wear almond nails, it's hard to go back to the wider shape, but for the bold, it's perfect."
Photographed by Patrick MacLeod.
Of course, the French nails couldn't be left bare; you have to add a little lots of gold. Another set of French nails got the Swarovski treatment with a clever line of tiny crystals glued right down the center.
Photographed by Patrick MacLeod.
Huang tells Refinery29 that the CND team recruits a toy mascot every year for inspiration. This time around, it was Gertrude the alligator, who led as major inspiration for a special set of nails. "I was inspired by the alligator skin," Huang says. "I didn't want to just create dots that you might see on Instagram; I wanted to imitate life and translate that onto the nail. So, I made a mold out of my toy gator to get the exact texture."
Photographed by Patrick MacLeod.
Huang used a putty-like mold to replicate the texture of the gator tail before curing and painting it. For even more drama, black beads were added to dangle off the end, in addition to the miniature gator circling the base of the cuticle like a ring.
Photographed by Patrick MacLeod.
Money might not solve all your problems, but nail art with this level of drip just might.
Photographed by Patrick MacLeod.
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Like lighting strikes and fingerprints, no two stretch marks are exactly alike. They can appear on your butt or hips or back or breasts or stomach or really anywhere your skin might stretch. The marks, which are technically scars, can reach up vertically or branch out like a tree or wind along your curves. They can vary in color from bright white to deep red. Oh, and they can itch — like really itch.
It's a phenomenon that we've experienced ourselves that — to be honest — concerned even us. It's never reassuring when any part of your body randomly tingles or aches, so we talked to a number of dermatologists to find out what's behind it. Turns out, itching is as natural as the marks themselves. And, as you might have guessed, it does mean they're growing.
"They itch when they are developing," explains California-based dermatologist Annie Chiu, MD. "Stretch marks are essentially a type of scarring, and there are changes in the collagen that occur. They only typically itch during that progressive phase."
Active stretch marks, which are often red, tend to itch more because the skin in that area is thinner. "Because a stretch mark is thin, it feels softer, and therefore it has less support," New York-based dermatologist Ellen Marmur, MD, says. "The nerve effectors aren’t supported by collagen, so they’re more sensitive and are more prone to making you feel that itch."
If you're a person who loves and embraces your stretch marks, then the itch is natural and nothing to worry about. But if the fact that they're growing concerns you, there are things you can do to help them fade — especially during this phase when they're still young and easier to treat. Dr. Marmur recommends Bio Oil, while aesthetician Jodi Shays of Queen Bee Salon & Spa says that vitamin E oils and even shea butter can be incredibly helpful as well. Just whatever you do, don't scratch.
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Breakups are hard. They're an inevitable shock to the system as they shake up everything you've become accustomed to. There are also so many questions, such as what went wrong, what you could have done differently, and why you weren't good enough. At some point, you'll probably wonder if your heart will ever heal from the breakup.
The answer is yes, your heart will eventually heal. Anyone who’s come out the other side of a breakup knows that. But if you’re currently in the trenches of a potent heartbreak, that’s not exactly comforting. We won’t sugarcoat it: The unfortunate truth is that having a broken heart sucks and it’s going to continue to suck — until it doesn’t.
However, the good news is that there really are things you can do to speed the mending of your broken heart and make it a little less painful in the meantime. While science can certainly offer some insight into the best ways to recover from a breakup (and we will get into that), when it comes to mysteries of the heart, it can be useful to cast a wide net. In that vein, we spoke with every expert we could think of, from a neuroscientist to a meditation guru, to get actionable advice every heartbroken person needs to hear.
Click through for healing ideas that help while you’re still waiting for that "until-it-doesn’t" moment.
One of the worst parts of a breakup is feeling like it’s all your fault, says Jessica Zucker, PhD, a psychologist based in Los Angeles. “If we think we [had] a hand in it or that something’s wrong with us, we think we can change it for the next time.” While it’s totally normal to want to find out what happened, this often leads to an endless parade of counterproductive “what-ifs” in your mind.
The first thing to do is to stop that line of thinking. The story of your relationship is over, so you can’t rewrite it. Instead, try to focus on the fact that you will grow from this experience. Just because it’s over for your relationship doesn’t mean it was a waste of time. “Grief does shape us in big ways," says Lodro Rinzler, a meditation instructor and author of the the new book Love Hurts: Buddhist Advice for the Heartbroken.
Illustrated by Aimee Sy
“Learning to provide comfort for yourself when you feel distressed is one of the most valuable tools we can have in our toolbox,” says Olubukonla Kolawole, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in New York City. But you can only do so much inside your own head, so consider recruiting two or three people you can reach out to when you need someone. “Every time you want to send a text to your partner or are reminded about your ex and want to reach for them, reach for one of your buddies instead,” she says. “It’s great to have multiple people so you don’t hold yourself back with worry about your friend being tired of having to hear the same things.” You can even take it a step further by stating upfront what you need from your friends, whether it’s reassurance, agreeance, or help looking forward.
One way to process your emotions is to write them down. You can even take it a step further by writing an honest letter to your ex, says Kolawole. Include all the things you’re grateful for and the things you’re disappointed about.
“The letter is an an opportunity to really say goodbye, as well as say all the things you never said or wished you had said,” she says. “Write it as if you won’t be sending it so you can just write freely and take your time. But more importantly, let yourself feel your feelings as you write the letter. Let yourself grieve the relationship and feel sadness, anger, gratitude and whatever else comes up.”
After you’re done writing you can decide whether sending it is worth it to you — but Kolawole says to remember that the purpose of the letter is to use it for your own grief, not as a last attempt to get something from your ex.
Illustrated by Aimee Sy
As cheesy and obnoxious as they may seem as inspirational quotes, mantras really do work, because they are a quick way to keep your mind focused on moving forward, rather than spiraling into anxious thoughts.
“My favorite mantra is ‘feelings are not facts,’" says Dr. Zucker. Repeat it whenever you find yourself in a spot where it’s easy to drift into negative thought territory and spiral out of control — like when you’re trying to sleep or are commuting and have nothing else to focus on. “Turn back into you, and say, okay, I’m feeling scared and insecure, and then try to remind yourself that feelings are not facts,” Dr. Zucker says.
Other mantras you might try: “I love her, but I love myself more” or “No relationship is a waste of time.” As time goes on, and you get closer to a place of acceptance, the mantra that you find most helpful may change.
Illustrated by Aimee Sy
When you’re dealing with the loss of an important relationship, there is a variety of competing emotions you might be feeling: shock, sadness, anger, fear, and more. All of these are not only totally normal, they’re also necessary for healing. The problem: “We live in a culture where we don’t really want to feel, we just want to make it better,” Dr. Zucker says.
Instead of looking for answers to your emotions, Dr. Zucker suggests really leaning into them. This could mean blocking off time for devoted introspection (and let’s face it, lots of crying) or simply giving yourself permission in the moment to feel however it is that you feel.
Illustrated by Aimee Sy
While it’s good to spend as much time as you need working through your emotions, it’s also wise to take a break from them. “We don’t need to feel all the time because we [can end up] paralyzed by emotion,” Dr. Zucker says.
You can also use distraction as a salve, according to Dr. Brown. Oxytocin, also known as the feel-good "cuddle hormone," can be released when you feel close to someone, even if that someone isn't a romantic partner. Likewise, new experiences can be key. “Learn a new language, exercise a lot if you don’t already,” she says. “Go out and do new things. Hug friends. You need a jolt of oxytocin from someone else.”
All this said, you want to be focused on sources of distraction that aren't bad for your mind and body in the long run, Zucker says. “If it’s getting wasted every night and acting out, that’s just a temporary distraction that’s ultimately self destructive.”
Illustrated by Aimee Sy
After you've had enough of seeing your ex's side, remember to breathe. Meditation can be both a healthy distraction and a way to help you work through your feelings. “We fill the extra space with sex, booze, online shopping, overeating, Netflix bingeing, but at some point, we say, ‘oh, none of this is helping,” Rinzler says. “Meditation is a tool for us to just rest with what’s going on and it might be peaceful and joyful.” The technique comes down to a basic form of resting with the breath, he says, by taking three deep breaths through the nose and out through the mouth, which will calm down your nervous system.
One way to dig deeper into your feelings is to work on making peace with your former partner (at least in your mind.) This can be helpful, because one of the things you have to do after a breakup is rebuild your identity without that person. Working through your feelings towards him or her can help you do that, says Rinzler.
He suggests an exercise he calls Just Like Me. You can do this as a simple thought exercise or you can write it down.
“You begin by bringing an image of this person and sitting without judgment for 30 seconds, if possible,” he says. “Then, list positive things that this person desires and add these words at the end: ‘Just like me.’” For example, James wants to feel desired...just like me. James longs for security...just like me.
Once you get to the end of the “positives,” you can feel free to move into the messier areas: James was arrogant...just like me. James slept with someone he shouldn’t have...just like me.
Throughout the exercise, these statements will probably bring up a lot of emotions, but instead of pushing them aside or arguing with yourself about who’s to blame, sit with them.
In most relationships, both parties have made a fair share of mistakes. This is a way to help you come to terms with that, Rinzler says. “Then [you] can drop the contemplation and rest with whatever feelings have emerged from the exercise. It doesn’t negate that this person betrayed you, but ideally you move toward some form of understanding.”
Illustrated by Aimee Sy
When you’re feeling rejected by someone you love, the pain you feel is literal, not figurative. In fact, studies have shown that the same area of the brain that is involved in the distress of physical pain — the insular cortex — is activated in response to social rejection, says Lucy Brown, PhD, a clinical professor of neuroscience at Yeshiva University whose research focuses on romantic love and the brain. While she confirms that time (ugh, yes) is one of the only ways to end your heartache, she adds that in the meantime, the common over-the-counter pain reliever acetaminophen (sold as Tylenol) might help you feel a little better.
In fact, for a 2015 study published in the journal Psychological Science, researchers recruited 80 volunteers and separated them into two groups. Half of them got a placebo pill while the other half got a dose of acetaminophen. After waiting for the drugs to kick in, the researchers then showed the participants various images — some distressing and some not — and had them rate how the images made them feel. In the end, those who got a dose of the drug had much less intense reactions to photos that would normally elicit an extreme reaction, leading researchers to conclude that the drug has a “general blunting effect” on emotions.
Another 2013 study reported that people taking acetaminophen daily for three weeks were less affected by the pain of social rejection.
Illustrated by Aimee Sy
Exercise is just as medicinal for your “broken heart” as it is for your actual heart, because working up a sweat triggers the release of endogenous opiates — also known as endorphins — which are literally your body’s built-in painkillers. In addition to generally boosting your mood, endorphins help you feel better by soothing the pain response, Dr. Brown says.
Going for a run, hitting up a SoulCycle class, or simply going for a walk can be helpful — just choose an activity you like doing. If an actual workout seems like too much, a few gentle stretches or restorative yoga poses are a great place to start, says New York-based life coach and yoga teacher Lauren Taus.
One pose that can really help is supta baddha konasana (or reclined bound angle pose), Taus says. Start by laying face-up on the floor or on a yoga mat. Bend your knees and allow them to splay out to each side with the bottoms of your feet touching one another. Let your arms spread out to each side. (You can also use a cushion or bolster under your back if you’d like to feel more supported.)
Another idea: “Wrap a blanket around your feet to create a feeling of insulation and lie back, placing another blanket over the pelvis to create a feeling of insulation,” Taus says. “This pose can leave us feeling exposed and vulnerable, but encourages openness in a safe, supported way.”
Illustrated by Aimee Sy
Another pose that never fails to relax you and release tension: Savasana or Corpse pose. To do it, all you have to do is lay down on the floor on your back, close your eyes, and breathe. Taus recommends either Savasana with a rolled blanket or bolster under your thigh bones to drop deeper into your pelvis with your arms by your side, palms facing down. “Your chin should be perpendicular to the floor, and your throat should feel open and tension free,” Taus says.
Another version is Side-Lying Savasana, a twist that will feel really nice because it allows more space in your rib cage and stomach. Lay on your left side with your feet at a wall and your back against a bolster or cushion. Bend your right knee to 90 degrees and support your right knee and shin with a bolster or folded blankets so that the right leg is as high as the right hip. Use a pillow or another folded blanket to support your head so you have a straight spine. Rest here for two to five minutes before moving into the twist.
Roll your torso to the right over the bolster, keeping your right arm fully supported. You should not feel a stretch, but rather as though your chest is open and your breath is fluid. Stay for another two to five minutes.
Illustrated by Aimee Sy
Another yoga pose you can try is the Supported Child’s Pose, Taus says. Place two yoga blocks underneath two ends of a pillow. Then kneel on the floor, sitting on your heels. Exhale as you lower your chest down to your pillow. “Slide your arms underneath the gap between the pillow and the floor, bringing each hand toward the opposite elbow,” Taus says. Then turn your head to one side, alternating sides halfway through the pose.
Illustrated by: Ivy Liu.
Part of what makes heartbreak so unbearable is that it feels like it will never end, which just causes more anxiety. It’s worth repeating: the pain will end, and it will probably be over sooner than you think. One study, published in the Journal of Positive Psychology, suggests that for most people, it takes just three months.
For the study, the researchers recruited 155 undergraduate students who had been through a breakup within the previous six months. Via interviews, the researchers found that 71% of study participants were able to begin to see their lost relationship in a positive light after 11 weeks. They also were more likely to agree with positive statements such as, “I have learned a lot about myself,” and, “I have grown as a person,” when asked about their breakup.
The lesson: you’ll get there.
Illustrated by Aimee Sy
You might not be ready to consider sex with a new partner, but when you are, this book is filled with smart advice about reclaiming your sexuality and asking for what you want in bed. A lot of the information is based in psychology, so if you're not into heady self-help books, this might seem more accessible.
"Emotions are tunnels. You have to go all the way through the darkness to get to the light at the end." – Come As You Are
Practicing self-care is a crucial step in recovering from a breakup. This book of poems by Rupi Kaur is full of carefully-worded, sage advice that will help you remember who you are, and why you're worthy of love. You're going to want to Instagram every page of it.
"i am a museum full of art but you had your eyes shut" – Milk and Honey
If you haven't read this monumental self-help book before, after a breakup is the perfect time because it focuses on living in the moment, not ruminating in the past. It's infused with wisdom about how to look at yourself with love and compassion, which is so important when you're reeling from a breakup.
"Love is not selective, just as the light of the sun is not selective. It does not make one person special. It is not exclusive. Exclusivity is not the love of God but the 'love' of ego. However, the intensity with which true love is felt can vary. There may be one person who reflects your love back to you more clearly and more intensely than others, and if that person feels the same toward you, it can be said that you are in a love relationship with him or her." – The Power Of Now
This heartbreaking novel about four friends living and falling in love in New York City will gut you, but leave you feeling hopeful for the future after loss. It's long, but worth it if you're ready to lean in to your emotions.
"...things get broken, and sometimes they get repaired, and in most cases, you realize that no matter what gets damaged, life rearranges itself to compensate for your loss, sometimes wonderfully." – A Little Life
It's hard to believe that this book of poems about loss and longing was written way back in 1924, because so much of the advice and observations could be applied to right now. Some of the poems are a bit heavy, so wait until you're really ready to reckon with your feelings before you dig in.
This book is a compilation of advice columns from Cheryl Strayed, and chances are one of them has exactly what you need to hear.
"You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else." – Tiny Beautiful Things
If you need an introspective, not overly cheesy, novel about dating as a young adult in New York City, curl up with this one. It's a little cynical, but sometimes breakups can do that to you.
"Dating is probably the most fraught human interaction there is. You're sizing people up to see if they're worth your time and attention, and they're doing the same to you. It's meritocracy applied to personal life, but there's no accountability." - The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P.
You might roll your eyes at Nicholas Sparks, but sometimes you need a hokey, melodramatic love story to remind you that there's hope in the world. This one is heavy on the sap, and of course has an iconic film adaptation that's worth checking out as well.
"There are moments when I wish I could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but I have the feeling that if I did, the joy would be gone as well." – A Walk To Remember
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Valentine’s Day — you either love it or hate it. And it’s right around the corner.
This time of year is an opportunity to reflect on all of the love in your life, and not just romantic love. Whether you’re happily single, taken, or celebrating Galentine’s Day, the holiday can be a great time to show your appreciation — for your partner, for your friends, and hopefully for yourself!
When it comes to sharing your feelings, you may find yourself wanting to post on social media about what this holiday means to you. And if you’re looking for a quote that speaks to you, then look no further.
Ahead, we compiled a list of Valentine’s Day quotes for all types of people — from single to taken to indifferent as hell — so that you can post something that captures your sentiments perfectly.
1. “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” — Lucille Ball
2. “You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anyone." — Maya Angelou
3. “How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.” ― Rupi Kaur
1. "In your light, I learn how to love. In your beauty, how to make poems. You dance inside my chest where no one sees you, but sometimes I do, and that sight becomes this art." — Rumi
2. "If I did anything right in my life it was when I gave you my heart." — Unknown
3. "I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you." — Paulo Coelho
1. “Here's to strong women. May we know them, may we be them, may we raise them.” — Unknown
2. “A flower does not think to compete with the flower next to it. It just blooms.” — Unknown
3. “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” — Anaïs Nin
1. "If every lover was treated like they matter every day, Valentine's Day wouldn’t be so special." ― Mokokoma Mokhonoana
2. "Relationship status: Committed to inner peace, expansion, gratitude, and self-love." — Elyse Santilli
3. “Confidence is knowing who you are and not changing it a bit because someone’s version of reality is not your reality.” — Shannon L. Alder
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Porn stars are bonafide beauty experts. Want a mascara that will withstand tears, sweat, and sex? Ask a porn star. Looking for a lipstick that will last through eating and drinking, and maybe even oral sex? You'll find it in their makeup bags. Hunting down a razor that won't leave bumps across your bikini line? They're way ahead of you.
So, when we were looking for totally transfer-proof foundations, meaning that they won't smudge on our clothes, sheets, pillows, or anywhere our faces might land, they were our first call. And, as expected, they did not hold back. "The fact is, if you're getting railed face-down on sheets, some foundation is going to smudge and transfer," Ela Darling, an adult film performer, says. "It's makeup, not magic. I learned to account for this in different sex positions and adjust my balance and head position to preserve my makeup."
Check out more of their no-B.S. beauty tips — including budge-proof bases and hardcore setting sprays — ahead. Your sheets will thank you.
At Refinery29, we’re here to help you navigate this overwhelming world of stuff. All of our market picks are independently selected and curated by the editorial team. If you buy something we link to on our site, Refinery29 may earn commission.
Ela Darling, adult film performer
"I use Estée Lauder Double Wear foundation. I found that a number of other foundations I tried would look great when I put them on, but my skin would look patchy and weird after being physically active under the harsh set lights. I also found that some foundations made me break out for several days afterward, requiring more to cover up, and a vicious cycle was born. When I switched to this brand, it still looked great even after running and exercising in it."
Estée Lauder Double Wear Stay In Place Makeup, $42, available at Ulta Beauty
Sinn Sage, adult film performer
"My skin gets oily, so I make sure I’m using all mattifying products. I use the Fenty Pro Filt’r matte foundation — it’s fantastic and a good price for high-end foundation."
Fenty Beauty By Rihanna Pro Filt'r Soft Matte Longwear Foundation, $34, available at Sephora
"Everyone’s skin is different, but for me the E.L.F. Matte Magic setting spray is better than Urban Decay All Nighter, and it costs $4 instead of $24."
e.l.f. Mist & Set Matte Magic, $4, available at Target
Ashley Rose, porn makeup artist
"For something extremely long-wearing and durable, I would recommend MAC's Pro Longwear Nourishing Foundation. It is 36-hour wear and waterproof!"
MAC Pro Longwear Nourishing Waterproof Foundation, $36, available at Ulta Beauty
